Never Let Go

I love General Conference. I think my heart grew 3 sizes.

It was so refreshing and exactly what I needed. It was what I needed, but didn't know I needed. I didn't feel like I was in a bad place or anything, there wasn't anything specific I was especially struggling with. It was just a boost to my soul and to my spirit. After conference was over, my heart felt like it was going to burst. I was so full of love and gratitude. I loved Jason more, I loved Camden more and I loved Navy more. I just wanted to be near them. I wanted to hug them and never let go. I could not get close enough. In my heart, I kept saying to Heavenly Father how grateful I was for my life, for the husband and the children He has given me. I felt so blessed, so lucky. I woke up this morning, and I was happy. I was happy to be mother and a wife. Happy to fulfill the responsibilities that go along with that. And then I made it a goal to do what I needed to do to keep this happiness, this heart full of gratitude. I want to always feel this way. 

Since I haven't posted in a while, I thought I'd share some pictures from the last couple months. 

February:

Navy 2 months {Feb 7}

We are putting grass in our front yard to get it ready to sell. We all helped shovel rock and dig up old tree stumps. It's still a work in progress.

March:

Navy 3 months {March 7}

Camden finally got a REAL bike. I had been feeling guilty because he was 4 and still riding a tricycle. We went to the store and had a really hard time getting him to pick one. He got on a few and rode them around the aisles. Of course, they put the bikes near the toys, so he was quite distracted by items on the shelves and crashed into the big $5 movie bins, into the other bikes, and even into some people. He finally chose this one, along with a Transformers helmet.

Easter

Happy Monday! Hope your week is totes awesome.

My violent shove into reality

This is a post script: This post started out as one thing and turned into something completely different. As I sat and typed, I had an epiphany. Because I feel so badly about my attitude and frame of mind, I hesitate to even post it. But I learned an important lesson today and I should share it with you. I hope it makes you stop and say a prayer of gratitude. I know I did.

It has been a while since I posted last but, what else is new? I probably say that at the start of every post. It's my standard introduction. My go to opener if you will. This way, I am relieved of coming up with something clever or witty to say. As long as I wait an appropriate amount of time between posts, my first line is a no brainer. And I seem to be rambling now, so I guess I'll get to the point since I'm assuming it's the reason you've stopped by. 

We have big and exciting things happening for our little family of 4. Well, maybe just one big and exciting thing. I hope you were not expecting bullet points of upcoming major events. 

After two years and hundreds of mariachi karaoke block parties later, we will be leaving house 1256 on 6th avenue. We have secured a lot and have started the process of building a new house. 

And because I feel you deserve bullet points, here's a list of things I will not miss about our first home, the things that make me raise my hands and sing praises when I think about moving:

*During the summer, three fans and a mini swamp cooler in our room do not keep us cool enough to sleep comfortably. When I was pregnant... forget about it.

*Three standing fans, all ceiling fans, a mini swamp cooler, an air conditioner and a window a.c. all running simultaneously and it never gets below 80 degrees. 

*The $350 power bill as a result from previous bullet point. 

*Nothing but water can go down the kitchen sink. And if by accident, something slips by you, it's time to rent a snake from home depot. It also means the bathtub will fill up with bacteria infested drain crud, and that means the bath toys must be bleached.

*When I am washing my hair in the shower, one elbow touching the curtain, the other touching the wall. 

*No dishwasher

Before I can even finish my list, I am overwhelmed with guilt. Look at me, complaining about my first world problems. I just had a serious reality check. I am ashamed of my ungratefulness. Maybe my bullet points should be saved for the things I am grateful for:

*I am grateful for a home that keeps my children warm in the winter and shielded from the summer sun.

*I am grateful for running water and modern plumbing. I don't have to walk 3 miles to get water for drinking, washing and bathing. 

*I am grateful I have a kitchen. I have plates and utensils. I have a stove to cook on and a fridge to keep our food in. At the moment, my fridge contains antibiotics for Navy. I have a sink to wash my dishes in  and water that flows freely from the faucet. 

*I am grateful to have witnessed 3rd world problems with my own eyes because, at times like these, it brings me back to reality.

We really are so lucky. No matter how small or inefficient our home may be. We are not only lucky to have place to live, we are lucky that our children are well fed and well dressed. 

Our children have shoes!

Our children have doctors and can get antibiotics when they have infections. We have doctors who can safely deliver our babies. They have the knowledge and the tools to save the babies and save the mothers if complications arise. We have formula if we are unable to breastfeed. We have the OPTION to not breastfeed. 

Our children have toothbrushes. Our children get to go to school. Our children get to learn how to read. 

Our homes have carpet and tile. We have couches to sit on and beds to sleep in. We have blankets on those beds. Our homes have air conditioners and heaters. They have electricity.

Our children ride their bikes on the sidewalk. We have sidewalks! We have parks where they can play. We have cars to get us there. We have grocery stores. We don't have to spend hours in our gardens with our babies strapped to our backs. 

We have unlimited water. We don't have to wash our clothes in the river. Our children don't have to bathe in it.

I could go on and on really, but I am humbled this tender mercy I have received today. Yes, I will have a dishwasher and an energy efficient home, but there are millions of other reasons to raise my hands and sing praises.

Grandpa DeWitt

Jason's grandpa passed away a couple weeks ago and his funeral was last weekend in Snowflake. Jason's grandpa always made me feel like he was so happy I was a part of their family. He made everyone feel that way. The first time I met him, he put his forehead to mine, told me he had the gift of discernment, and said he knew that the Lord was pleased with me. He told me he knew I had been hurt by my divorce, but that I was pure in God's eyes. He also told me he wanted me to be his granddaughter and advised Jason that he better marry me quick. Every time I saw him, he would hug me and tell me I was beautiful. He would call me 'honey' and tell me he still loved me. He was a gem and I am grateful I had a chance to know him for a couple of years.

Post script note...

After I posted Navy's birth story a couple days ago, I started to think about how I probably sounded pretty negative about having to have a c-section. And yes, I will admit, I did not have a good attitude about it in the weeks before her delivery and even in the moment, but since having her, I have guilt for my ungratefulness.

A few months ago, Camden was enrolled in a painting class through the city of Tempe. Parents were not allowed to leave the premises, but not invited into the class, so the moms would sit outside the classroom together and chat about motherhood, housework, homeschooling, husbands, etc... I usually sat on the other side of the room and read a book or filled in my calendar for the week. On one particular day, the topic of pregnancy arose. A certain mom, with only one child, mentioned she had a difficult time getting her little girl and had not had any success with getting pregnant since. It was obvious it was a big cross for her to bear. Then she said, "I hate it when girls complain about pregnancy, whether it be their awful morning sickness or any other not fun things that come with being pregnant. I wish they knew how lucky they were. I'd give anything to have morning sickness and water retention!"

I sat quietly and thought about my awful attitude and made a resolve to think of  my pregnancy, a healthy one at that, as a blessing. The beginning of my pregnancy was awful because of my ulcers, but my life, nor the baby's, was ever in jeopardy. There was never any danger of miscarriage or pre-term labor. There are those who are not so lucky.

In October, Jason's sister Jill delivered her baby 16 weeks early and after only 48 hours, he passed away. It was a difficult time for the family and because I was also pregnant at the time, I felt guilty for having a healthy pregnancy. When tiny baby Samson was still in the NICU, I kept worrying about the idea of being able to take Navy home when sweet Jill would not be able to do the same, since her baby would likely still be in the hospital. I worried about if he did not make it, how it would make Jill feel to see my pregnancy progress, and how she would feel when Navy finally did arrive. I look back at how much I complained about my pregnancy and wish I could have just stopped and realized how blessed I was. I am sorry for my attitude. 

I am sad so say, that the resolve I made that day during Camden's class, did not last. I complained... a lot. I should have been better about seeing the good. Navy is now a month old, and my bad attitude about the delivery has now turned to gratitude to my Heavenly Father for blessing me with a healthy, full term baby, and the knowledge that it does not, nor will it ever, matter how she came to this world...

She is here. Strong and beautiful.

Navy's here!

I am really a bum. I have not posted since July! That is both ridiculous and pathetic. You could say life has been eventful for our little family the last few months, welcoming a new baby and all. For those of you who care to know, I will share Navy bean's birth story...

So... on December 6th, I went to the gym in the morning and jumped up and down in the pool for about 45 minutes and then went home and took some castor oil. Yes, I was that desperate to get her out! Most of you know how I feel about pregnancy. It is torture for me. I absolutely hate it. There is no part of it that I enjoy. Get what I mean? So anyway, after you know, the... "effects" from the castor oil had worn off I started having what I thought were contractions. They were not regular nor painful. It was about 5 p.m. when I realized these were probably real contractions, but I didn't want to say it out loud for fear of jinxing it. So I bounced on my yoga ball hoping to intensify things and tried not to think too much about it. (Yeah right) Jason went to bed around 9:30 and I stayed up and bounced on my ball and watched Friends. I called my doctor at ten and told him my contractions were about 5 minutes apart and I'd been having them for five hours, but that they weren't too terribly painful. I could still walk and talk through them. He told me to wait an hour too see if they intensified and if they did, to go to the hospital. So I kept on bouncin'! I watched an episode of Elementary and pretty much had one hard contraction the entire 40 minutes. It was starting to hurt. So at 11:30 I woke up Jason and told him it was time to go to the hospital. Do you know long I had waited to say those words?!?! Jason was pretty surprised since he had no idea I had been having contractions. We drove Camden to my sister's and headed to the hospital.

We checked in to triage at 11:59 and when they checked me I was only 3 cm dialated, but having good strong regular contractions. They kept me in triage for an hour to see if I would progress any before they would admit me. After an hour, I was 4 cm and I was admitted. By this time, I was having horrible back labor and ordered my epidural almost the minute I got to my labor and delivery room. I don't remember what time I got my epidural, maybe around 2 or 2:30 a.m? Then I took a nap! Dr. Holmes came and checked me around 10-ish and I was only a 5. So he broke my water and in an hour, I was at an 8. Around 11:30 the nurse came in and told our Navy girl was not doing well at all and things were not looking good as far as being able to having a natural delivery. Dr. Holmes came in and told me that Navy's heart rate was dropping dangerously low AFTER my contractions, which is very concerning. He was confident that a C-section was the best option. In addition to Navy being in distress, she was not descending because my pelvis is too narrow. He said even if she was doing okay, my pelvis was not wide enough for her to fit through anyway. I was really upset. I had been so anxious the previous weeks about having a c-section because I did not want to miss the moment of her being put on my chest when she came out and being able to hold her first. I had been measuring 3-4 weeks bigger the last few months of my pregnancy and was so worried that she would be too big for me. I had Camden naturally, but I pushed for 4 hours and because my pelvis is narrow, he barely made it. After I had time to process everything, I knew I had no choice. This was the way she was going to come in the world, and there was nothing I could do about it.

After waiting for anesthesia to come talk to me, they wheeled me into the operating room and after they let Jason in the room, she was out about 3 minutes later. Hearing her cry was the best sound in the whole world. I was sad I didn't get to hold her, but happy that she was safe and healthy. After Jason went out with her, I started to feel the anesthesia up in my throat and face. I could not swallow because my throat was numb and my eyes started to feel numb. It was so uncomfortable that I guess I started to panic, so the anesthesiologist sedated me. I woke up in the recovery room, but don't remember much. It took me a couple hours to be completely coherent that I even don't really remember holding Navy for the first time.

Navy girl was born at 12:58 p.m. on December 7th and weighted 7 lbs 8 oz. Navy was born on Pearl Harbor Day which everyone, doctor and nurses included, thought that was very cool. Which it is.

It was not the delivery I would have chosen, but when anatomy isn't on your side, what can you do? I am still sad that I missed that moment of holding her first and even sad that I don't really remember holding her after I woke up, but I get to hold her all day now, so I guess it's okay.

Not thrilled about the situation. Can you tell?

Meeting my daughter for the first time. She was perfect.

First time holding her. Don't remember taking this picture. But I sure look great don't I?? 

Big brother Camden meeting baby Navy. He is still just as obsessed with her today as he was then.

First family picture. Can you believe I have two kids?!

I am still trying to adjust to these two, and trying to balance both their needs as well as my husband's. Along with laundry, dishes, housework, planning meals and grocery shopping, trying to remember to plan FHE, do my visiting teaching and responsibilities for my church calling, and finding time to shower. I am overwhelmed a lot and Camden has started the "older sibling acting out when younger sibling comes into the picture" It's been a tough week for us... we've had a few fights, and even though we always make up, it's often several times a day. {insert giant exhale here}

We are so happy to finally have Navy here and we already love her so much. And life is ALWAYS great when I am not pregnant!

Summer is almost over??

Really??

School starts in like three weeks. What the?

Anyway, we've had a lot going on in this month of July...

First, Jason and I celebrated our first anniversary.

Our wedding cake has been in the freezer. But we didn't eat it.

We aren't traditional like that.

Or maybe we were scared that it would have freezer burn and taste gross.

We went to dinner at Cibo (I HIGHLY RECOMMEND) and saw The Amazing Spiderman.

Second, my birthday.

I always make a big deal about my birthday and I don't know why.

Because after you're a stay at home mom, birthdays are pretty much like every single other day of your life.

Jason did get a half day off work and took me out to lunch and spoiled me with presents.

He knows just how to do it and it was a good day.

Third, our sealing in San Diego.

We spent 4 days in California with our families and had a wonderful experience at the temple.

We felt so blessed to have our families there with us and we are so happy to finally be sealed.

Fourth, Camden's E.R. fiasco.
ANOTHER head laceration.
MORE stitches.
We spent five hours in the emergency room, and because his cut was so deep, the PA told us she was going to have to do it in two layers. She told us there was a plastic surgeon that had been called down to the E.R. to do some other head wounds, and she would talk to him and see if he'd be willing to stay and do Camden's. He agreed to stay after his shift and stitch up Camden. When he came in to talk to us, he told us he was wanted to sedate Camden because it was safer for both him and the doctor. Jason stayed with him while he was getting the I.V., but I took a walk around so I wouldn't have to hear/see him cry. After his I.V. was in, they administered the sedation medication. When it first kicked in, Camden was talking so funny and laughing at nothing. He had the goofiest grin on his face and thought everything was hilarious. We were dying laughing and it was a good comic relief. Once he was asleep, they sent us out while the doctor stitched him up. After about 15 minutes we were able to go back in. Once he started to wake up the nurse brought him a popsicle and because Camden was still loopy, he was seeing double. Most of the time, Camden would bring the popsicle to his cheek and lick the air. I had to help him find his mouth most of the time. By the time we got discharged it was midnight and Camden was asleep before we got to the car. After a week of antibiotics, neosporin and batman bandaids, it is starting to heal and hopefully won't scar too bad.

Fifth, Jason's birthday is tomorrow.
We are headed to Vegas to see the Phantom of the Opera at The Venetian.
We are staying at a fancy hotel, which shall remain nameless, because it's still a surprise to Jason.
It will be nice to get away with just the two of us. A nice babymoon before miss Navy makes her arrival.

Speaking of Navy bean, she is kicking like crazy now, and is healthy and strong.
Me on the other hand, not so much.
I'm still seeing a gastroenterologist every other week and am on three different medications.
My Dr. thinks it's almost for sure ulcers, but she is still not sure if they're in my stomach or my gallbladder.
We are hoping they are in my stomach because the medications I'm on should heal them within a few months and my symptoms will go away. If they're in my gallbladder, then as soon as the baby's born, while I'm still in the hospital actually, they would do the necessary tests and then most likely I'd have to get my gallbladder taken out. I do not want to have to recover from labor AND surgery, AND try to nurse through all of that. We are praying that the medications will do their job and heal whatever's going on. Even though the medications are helping MOST of the time, there are days when I'm still sick. The other day, I deep cleaned my house, and was on my hands and knees scrubbing baseboards and floors for a few hours. The next day I was SO sick I could hardly function. It was back to the fetal position and the moaning. Remember the moaning?? I am going to have to learn to take it super easy this pregnancy, which is hard sometimes because I start feeling like such a bum. I do not enjoy being pregnant at all, and this time around I'm even more ready to be done.... I am so jealous of the women who love being pregnant. I wish I could be you.

Okay, I digress and since I won't be home to blog about my husband on his birthday, I'll do it now.
I can't even put into words how grateful I am for Jason. He brought me back to life. And there are so many things I love and appreciate about him. I never imagined I would fall in love so quickly after my divorce - but I think it's because, in a lot of ways, I loved him already. Maybe the romantic love came later, but I already loved the person and friend he was.

This is the night he opened his mission call.

This is a picture of the visor in my car in 2006 or 2007. Jason sent me the picture on the left on his mission. I sent him this picture of my visor. A while ago, we went through the letters and pictures I'd sent him on his mission, and he still had this one. :)

Senior Year

Jason has been one of my best friends since we were 16 and I know we will continue to be best friends for the next 60 years.

We talk, we laugh, we play and that is something I love most about us. We never run out of things to talk about and we can make each other laugh.

His sense of humor is one of his greatest qualities and one of the biggest things that made me want to be his friend 10 years ago.

He is righteous. He is good and true and worthy. He is a great priesthood leader in our home and he will be a great influence and example to our children.

He is kind. He is selfless and considerate. He always looks for ways to make me and Camden happy and looks for ways to serve us.

He is consistent. He is almost always in a good mood and is mostly easy going.
He is smart. Not only is he planning on going to medical school, he is getting good grades along the way.

He is responsible. He gets things done that are important. He is so reliable!

He is positive. He hardly ever complains. He takes what he is given and makes the best of it.

He is accepting. He is not judgemental and can be friends with just about anyone. He can see the good in others - and he sees the good in me. He chooses to see past my flaws. He accepts me for me. 

He is a great dad. He had to jump head first into a step dad role and I know it hasn't been an easy transition. He has taken it in great stride and I know Camden loves and respects him. He treats Camden lovingly and fairly and he is such a fun dad!

He is a great son, brother and uncle. I love being with his family. They complete such a big part of my life and I am grateful to feel like a part of it.

He is a hard worker. He is not lazy. He works hard at work, he works hard at school, he works hard at home, and he works at his relationships. He serves, he communicates, and he meets our needs. He understands the meaning of sacrifice. He sacrifices time away from our family to work and provide for us. He also sacrifices that time by being at school, getting an education to make our lives better. He sacrifices his relaxation time to play with Camden or help around the house. He sacrifices his wants for things the family needs. 

He is trustworthy. An important quality in my eyes and one I really really appreciate about him.

There are so many other things that I love about him, but these are the qualities I love and appreciate the most. These are also the things that made me so sure I could be happy with him for the rest of my life.

Happy Birthday to the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are my soul mate and I love you so much.