We brought it with us

"Noble and great. Courageous and determined. Faithful and fearless. That is who you are and who you have always been. And understanding it can change your life, because this knowledge carries a confidence that cannot be duplicated any other way."-Sheri Dew

When I was 8 years old, my gymnastics coach made me stand in front of the entire team and then asked, "Who has a problem with Stacey?"

Every hand went up in the air, except one, my best friend Teri's.

One by one, he called on each teammate, and they explained just what it was they didn't like about me. 

One by one, I listened to my friends tell me how annoying I was.

How I had a "big head".

How I talked too much.

How I was loud.

How I needed to know my place, my order in the rankings.

To say I was completely crushed is an understatement,

and for a long time, I believed the things they said about me.

In my 8 year old heart I thought if my friends thought this about me,

then it must be true.

When I was in the 8th grade, a friend of mine, started a rumor about me.

One by one, she told each girl in our group of friends "things I had said about them".

Untrue things. Unkind things.

On my way to P.E. one day, I was blocked by each of these friends, standing shoulder to shoulder,

on the defense.

A particularly outspoken girl was the "voice" of the group.

She yelled in my face.

She told me I was stuck up.

How dare I think I'm better than everyone, she said

Confusion. Devastation. Betrayal.

In the days that followed, I had to apologize to each of my friends individually for the things I had supposedly said about them. 

Who did they hear this from I wondered?

One of my best friends I would come to find out.

In my 13 year old heart I thought, if my friends believed that I would ever say any of those things, if my best friend would want me to lose all my friends,

then I must not have any real friends.

When I was a newlywed, I was quickly shoved into the reality 

that I had married a sex addict.

I started checking the computer history.

One by one, I saw the websites.

I saw what he thought sexy was.

I saw what he thought was attractive.

I didn't look like them.

I never would.

What was wrong with me that he had to seek fulfillment elsewhere?

In my 21 year old heart I thought if my husband isn't happy with me, there must be something wrong with me. 

I struggle with finding the confidence within me.

There are scars that are hard to forget.

There are images and words that shaped who I believed I was, who I believe I am.

And I think this is something we all face to some degree.

Our life experiences, the good and the bad, shape the way we view ourselves.

But none of us came to the earth to gain our worth.

We brought it with us.

It's already there, but it's up to us to remember, understand, and believe it.

It will probably be a life long journey for me to find and sustain that self confidence. 

But, I seek my Heavenly Father's help, and the closer I grow to Him, the more clear and complete becomes my vision of who I am, who I've always been, and who I will become.

While reading the NewEra the other day, I came across the MormonAd, "BE YOUR OWN KIND OF BEAUTIFUL." You know, the one with the vase full of roses, with a single daisy in the arrangment. I thought it was such a tender mercy. Firstly because, daisies are my favorite flower and secondly, because I think I have felt like this daisy the last few months. This daisy has all the reason in the world to compare herself. She doesn't smell sweet the way roses do. She doesn't bloom the way roses do. She is plain white and they are a deep and vibrant red. But she is beautiful in her own way. She stands out because she is unique. And daisies, in my opinion (as well as Kathleen Kelly's) are the happiest flower. 

As I have been on my "21 day journey" I have come see myself (maybe only in part) the way my Heavenly Father and my Savior see me.
There is a song that I absolutely love,
"I am His daughter" by Nicole Sheahan. I listen to this song almost every day and sometimes 4 or 5 times in a row. Since starting my journey, I have seen many tender mercies in the last few weeks and finding this song I think was one of them. 

The photos in the magazines
Don't dictate who I'm supposed to be
The world can't recognize, all that I am inside
But I know in His eyes, I am a part of, the bigger picture,

There's so much more to me
He helps me see that I have so much to offer
I am His daughter
He loves me the way I am,
He's my strength when I stand
He is my King, and my Father,
I am His daughter.

The people on the TV screen,
The leaders, rulers, and queens
I watch them shape the world,
And though I'm just a girl, I still know for sure,
That I am a part of, the bigger picture

There's so much more to me
He helps me see that I have so much to offer
I am His daughter
He loves me the way I am,
He's my strength when I stand
He is my King, and my Father,
I am His daughter

And when I'm feeling small,
And wondering if I'll ever, find courage to stand tall
Through His love I remember

There's so much more to me
He helps me to see that I have so much to offer
I am His daughter
He loves me the way I am
He's my strength when I stand
He is my King, and my Father,
I am His daughter

Before starting the book, I prayed that after the journey, I would be more whole. That I would be more healed. That I would find strength and confidence.
Through reading and praying and recognizing the Lord's hand in my life,
I feel whole.
I feel healed.
I feel strong,
and I feel confident.
My prayers were answered and I am filled with His love for me.

**** This is where my original post stopped, and a loving sister pointed out that I did not mention my amazing {not above mentioned} current husband.*****

And she's right.

 This is Jason.
My husband.
He is a big,
huge,
gigantic,
enormous
reason I am a little more healed than I was a year ago, two years ago. Although I am on the path to healing my wounds, and know it is something I must do on my own, HE got me to this point. For a while, I wasn't ready to face my demons. I wasn't ready to look inward and see my scars for what they really were,
 and are.
I wasn't ready and that is okay.
But it was because of him, because of his kindness, his honesty, his righteousness, his goodness, that I became ready.
He pulled me through long enough to get to this point.
He was trustworthy long enough to feel ready to look back and deal with mistrust I so devastatingly experienced.
He was THERE consistently to feel safe enough to heal from the loneliness that encompassed me for three long years.
He gave me safety.
And security.
And love.
And he continues to be the very thing I need in this life every single day.

21 Days, Day 10

Yes. Day 10. 

I'm only on day 10.

So I have been reading this book, 

and it has been great.

But I have been having a hard time with feeling like I've accomplished the "task" in just one day.

Day 8 for instance, is titled "Recognize His Voice"

The author asks you to think about how you have learned to recognize the voice of the Shepherd. How has His voice come to you? And then she invites you to find one way to hear His voice that day.

I don't know about you, but I feel like learning to hear the voice of the Lord takes more practice than just one day. And I have felt this way in almost every chapter. I would read the chapter the night before to be ready for the "invitation" for the next day. I would always start out doing great, but as the day got going and things got busy, I would get in my routine of housework, making meals, and taking care of little ones that I would forget my goal of the day. It would be 7:30 pm and I would remember, "Oh yeah, I was supposed to be doing this or doing that". I never felt I could continue on to the next chapter until I had invested my whole heart in the previous one. I want my testimony to grow and I don't want to sort of do the daily goals. I want to do them so I can feel like I truly am coming closer to Him. 

However, looking back, I see now that I have been so much happier since I have started this "journey"

I am trying my best to be focused on the Lord, and on serving others (my own goal for the month)

And yes, I may have times throughout the day that I get caught up in the routine of my life, 

but I am making an effort and I can feel and see the blessings because of it. 

"We are living in a part of the universe occupied by the rebel. 

Enemy occupied territory

-that is what this world is."

C.S. Lewis

In my only "10 day" journey, I have already learned that even though now is the great day of the devil's power, now is also the great day of the Lord's power. And each day we personally make decisions showing which side we support. Ezra Taft Benson said, "The final outcome is certain-the forces of righteousness will win. But what remains to be seen is where each of us personally, now and in the future, will stand in this battle- and how tall we will stand.... We will never have a better opportunity to be valiant in a more crucial cause than in the battle we face today. Christ is the most successful warrior that ever walked the earth, and He wants to help us win every battle."

I have never thought of Christ as a warrior. But when I think about Him at my side, or even in front of me at times, as a warrior, ready to defend against evil, I am comforted. When I feel overwhelmed or defeated by thoughts of how daunting raising righteous children in such an "enemy occupied territory" can feel, I think of Christ as a warrior. I think of Him as our Captain and I feel taller and stronger in the fight. I feel confident and ready to take on the task.

Before Christ died he said to his apostles, "I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not; and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren." (Luke 22:32)

The author noted this scripture and suggested we ponder on it. The more I thought about it, the more I loved it. Christ prayed for His apostles. So then, why wouldn't he pray for me?

I believe that He does pray for me, that I will remain strong in the fight. Not only does this bring me such comfort and hope, it gives me encouragement to be more valiant. 

I still have eleven more chapters to go and who knows how long it will be until I finish them. Coming to know Christ is a life-long and daily effort, but when I started this book, I prayed that I would find the hope and the answers and the strength that I was longing for. In only 10 chapters, I have. If our heart is willing, He will without fail lead us to where we want to be. 

"He knows the way because He is the way." -Jeffrey R. Holland

Restore

Well it's November.

The month of thanks. 

Except, well, I guess I forgot about that.

The last couple weeks I have really struggled with myself, but it wasn't anything I could really put my finger on. I didn't know what was making me feel so lousy and then a particular incident happened that sent me in a downward spiral. 

I was losing my faith in humanity. 

In parenthood. 

In life really. 

And I was angry.

I was angry with the wounds that haven't healed.

I was angry at how much those wounds have changed who I am today,

the things I worry about, the things I lose sleep over.

I was angry at the person who inflicted them.

I was angry that those scars place a burden on my husband, that he must co-exist with such baggage.
I wondered who I would be without those scars. Am I better because of them?
Or bitter?

I felt like I was fighting a battle I would never win. A battle against myself, against the 'natural man', against the world, against Satan. Why bother trying if I can't succeed anyway?

I felt completely and utterly deflated.

And then I thought about flying.

{Just wait, I'll explain}

You know when you are about to take off and the flight crew reviews the safety procedures?

If you experience a change in cabin pressure, the masks drop down.

You must first put on your own mask, and then help those around you.

Aircraft safety 101.

Well doi!

There's my problem.

How am I supposed to be successful at helping, nurturing, teaching my family if I am not first helping myself? How can I protect them from the 'natural man' if I cannot first protect myself? 

And also, here's the truth:

Someone will always be better than me. Someone will be prettier, and skinnier and have cuter clothes. 

Someone's kids' will always be more well behaved than mine. 

Someone will always have the bigger house.

Someone will always be better.

And that's not what matters anyway, so get over it.

My thoughts, my actions, my life needs to be centered on the only stable and constant thing in this life, the Savior.
My faith in and love for Him will be what protects me. What keeps me alive and breathing. Only then, can I save those around me. Most importantly, my children. 

So now my journey begins. 

For 21 days, I will be challenging myself to grow closer to the Savior.

I will be sharing my progress and thoughts here, so feel free to check back if you'd like.

If not, I'll see ya in three weeks. :)

I hope to gain a stronger testimony and pray that the Spirit will guide me in the direction I need to travel to find myself closer to Christ. I hope to feel the love my Savior and my Heavenly Father has for me, that I might see myself through their eyes, through Jason's eyes, through my friends and family's eyes.

I hope those wounds heal just a little bit more, and most of all,

 I hope to restore my faith in humanity. 

In parenthood. 

In life.

Hello? Are you there?

Who me?

Oh you mean, because I haven't posted since July??

Well, yes. I'm here.

Alive and well. 

It seems that if you don't use your blog as a business, social media takes care of all the 

"life updates"

I don't even really remember why I have this blog.

So, I guess for the 5 readers out there that like to see what's happening in my life on Instagram, Facebook AND my blog,

this post is for you my friends.

You. are. welcome.

So... let's start in August shall we?

We decided to take advantage of the cool mountain weather and get out the swealtering valley heat, so we headed up to the Graham mountains to do some campin!

We had found a perfect spot which ended up being reserved for someone else and we were forced to move. I was not happy about it, but it turned out to be an okay spot in the end. It rained on us a few times, which made for muddy children, muddy tents and muddy trailers, but when then again, camping will do that.

Next to the campground was this big open meadow. 

I, of course, had to take advantage and get some pictures. 

My family hates that.

(Yes, Jason included)

Maybe Navy will grow to love it and always be happy and willing to pose for me.

Right now, we have to bribe her with keys or something (see below)

Okay, meadow pictures done. You can go play now!

  

On our last day, we went to find the lava caves? Or maybe it was the wind caves?

I can't remember.

That's what happens when you don't blog in almost 4 months.

It was a great weekend with my mom's family and it was great to get home and shower as well.

Okay, moving on.

Next, my big 4 year old started preschool.

He has been in preschool for a year already, but now he goes 4 days a week for 3 hours a day. 

He loves it so far.

Okay, are we on to September now?

At the end of the month we went up to an orchard about an hour from my parents house to pick apples. 

Delicious.

We also, drum roll please.....

.........................

MOVED INTO OUR NEW HOUSE!!

Finally!

It was a great day to at last be in our own home again.

Aaaaah.

I'm sure Jason's parents were jumping for joy too!

We have been in a little over a month now and I LOVE IT!

I love the neighborhood especially.

Camden has made so many  new friends and so have I.

It is so awesome. 

Wanna move out here too?

I promise you'll love it!

Think about it?

October it is then...

Our first October adventure,

the pumpkin patch.

Jason was at school, so he missed out that day.

Story of our life. 

(For the next 7 years)

YAY med school!

Moving on...

The kids each picked out a pumpkin, 

Camden picked Jasons. 

Navy had a hard time deciding, they all looked too fun.

Pumpkin carving!

Yay! Jason's home!

 Jason was too busy helping Camden carve his pumpkin, that he didn't get to carve his.

Homework and dinner were more important.

Story of his life.

HALLOWEEN!

I wanted to get some pictures of the kids' in their costumes in the good light, but Camden wouldn't come outside, so Navy flew solo. That is why there are so many pictures of her.

It's not that I choose favorites.

But, I do have to say, she probably is the cutest mermaid I've ever seen. 

And look at those shells! They are natural if you're wondering.

Heading out to trick or treat.

There's Camden!

My studly football player!

Go sparkys!

These last four are just because I think they are so cute. 

I can't make any promises, but I'll try to post again soon. 

If not, 

Then I guess I'll see you in February!

Happy November!