We brought it with us

"Noble and great. Courageous and determined. Faithful and fearless. That is who you are and who you have always been. And understanding it can change your life, because this knowledge carries a confidence that cannot be duplicated any other way."-Sheri Dew

When I was 8 years old, my gymnastics coach made me stand in front of the entire team and then asked, "Who has a problem with Stacey?"

Every hand went up in the air, except one, my best friend Teri's.

One by one, he called on each teammate, and they explained just what it was they didn't like about me. 

One by one, I listened to my friends tell me how annoying I was.

How I had a "big head".

How I talked too much.

How I was loud.

How I needed to know my place, my order in the rankings.

To say I was completely crushed is an understatement,

and for a long time, I believed the things they said about me.

In my 8 year old heart I thought if my friends thought this about me,

then it must be true.

When I was in the 8th grade, a friend of mine, started a rumor about me.

One by one, she told each girl in our group of friends "things I had said about them".

Untrue things. Unkind things.

On my way to P.E. one day, I was blocked by each of these friends, standing shoulder to shoulder,

on the defense.

A particularly outspoken girl was the "voice" of the group.

She yelled in my face.

She told me I was stuck up.

How dare I think I'm better than everyone, she said

Confusion. Devastation. Betrayal.

In the days that followed, I had to apologize to each of my friends individually for the things I had supposedly said about them. 

Who did they hear this from I wondered?

One of my best friends I would come to find out.

In my 13 year old heart I thought, if my friends believed that I would ever say any of those things, if my best friend would want me to lose all my friends,

then I must not have any real friends.

When I was a newlywed, I was quickly shoved into the reality 

that I had married a sex addict.

I started checking the computer history.

One by one, I saw the websites.

I saw what he thought sexy was.

I saw what he thought was attractive.

I didn't look like them.

I never would.

What was wrong with me that he had to seek fulfillment elsewhere?

In my 21 year old heart I thought if my husband isn't happy with me, there must be something wrong with me. 

I struggle with finding the confidence within me.

There are scars that are hard to forget.

There are images and words that shaped who I believed I was, who I believe I am.

And I think this is something we all face to some degree.

Our life experiences, the good and the bad, shape the way we view ourselves.

But none of us came to the earth to gain our worth.

We brought it with us.

It's already there, but it's up to us to remember, understand, and believe it.

It will probably be a life long journey for me to find and sustain that self confidence. 

But, I seek my Heavenly Father's help, and the closer I grow to Him, the more clear and complete becomes my vision of who I am, who I've always been, and who I will become.

While reading the NewEra the other day, I came across the MormonAd, "BE YOUR OWN KIND OF BEAUTIFUL." You know, the one with the vase full of roses, with a single daisy in the arrangment. I thought it was such a tender mercy. Firstly because, daisies are my favorite flower and secondly, because I think I have felt like this daisy the last few months. This daisy has all the reason in the world to compare herself. She doesn't smell sweet the way roses do. She doesn't bloom the way roses do. She is plain white and they are a deep and vibrant red. But she is beautiful in her own way. She stands out because she is unique. And daisies, in my opinion (as well as Kathleen Kelly's) are the happiest flower. 

As I have been on my "21 day journey" I have come see myself (maybe only in part) the way my Heavenly Father and my Savior see me.
There is a song that I absolutely love,
"I am His daughter" by Nicole Sheahan. I listen to this song almost every day and sometimes 4 or 5 times in a row. Since starting my journey, I have seen many tender mercies in the last few weeks and finding this song I think was one of them. 

The photos in the magazines
Don't dictate who I'm supposed to be
The world can't recognize, all that I am inside
But I know in His eyes, I am a part of, the bigger picture,

There's so much more to me
He helps me see that I have so much to offer
I am His daughter
He loves me the way I am,
He's my strength when I stand
He is my King, and my Father,
I am His daughter.

The people on the TV screen,
The leaders, rulers, and queens
I watch them shape the world,
And though I'm just a girl, I still know for sure,
That I am a part of, the bigger picture

There's so much more to me
He helps me see that I have so much to offer
I am His daughter
He loves me the way I am,
He's my strength when I stand
He is my King, and my Father,
I am His daughter

And when I'm feeling small,
And wondering if I'll ever, find courage to stand tall
Through His love I remember

There's so much more to me
He helps me to see that I have so much to offer
I am His daughter
He loves me the way I am
He's my strength when I stand
He is my King, and my Father,
I am His daughter

Before starting the book, I prayed that after the journey, I would be more whole. That I would be more healed. That I would find strength and confidence.
Through reading and praying and recognizing the Lord's hand in my life,
I feel whole.
I feel healed.
I feel strong,
and I feel confident.
My prayers were answered and I am filled with His love for me.

**** This is where my original post stopped, and a loving sister pointed out that I did not mention my amazing {not above mentioned} current husband.*****

And she's right.

 This is Jason.
My husband.
He is a big,
huge,
gigantic,
enormous
reason I am a little more healed than I was a year ago, two years ago. Although I am on the path to healing my wounds, and know it is something I must do on my own, HE got me to this point. For a while, I wasn't ready to face my demons. I wasn't ready to look inward and see my scars for what they really were,
 and are.
I wasn't ready and that is okay.
But it was because of him, because of his kindness, his honesty, his righteousness, his goodness, that I became ready.
He pulled me through long enough to get to this point.
He was trustworthy long enough to feel ready to look back and deal with mistrust I so devastatingly experienced.
He was THERE consistently to feel safe enough to heal from the loneliness that encompassed me for three long years.
He gave me safety.
And security.
And love.
And he continues to be the very thing I need in this life every single day.