Well it's November.
The month of thanks.
Except, well, I guess I forgot about that.
The last couple weeks I have really struggled with myself, but it wasn't anything I could really put my finger on. I didn't know what was making me feel so lousy and then a particular incident happened that sent me in a downward spiral.
I was losing my faith in humanity.
In parenthood.
In life really.
And I was angry.
I was angry with the wounds that haven't healed.
I was angry at how much those wounds have changed who I am today,
the things I worry about, the things I lose sleep over.
I was angry at the person who inflicted them.
I was angry that those scars place a burden on my husband, that he must co-exist with such baggage.
I wondered who I would be without those scars. Am I better because of them?
Or bitter?
I wondered who I would be without those scars. Am I better because of them?
Or bitter?
I felt like I was fighting a battle I would never win. A battle against myself, against the 'natural man', against the world, against Satan. Why bother trying if I can't succeed anyway?
I felt completely and utterly deflated.
And then I thought about flying.
{Just wait, I'll explain}
You know when you are about to take off and the flight crew reviews the safety procedures?
If you experience a change in cabin pressure, the masks drop down.
You must first put on your own mask, and then help those around you.
Aircraft safety 101.
Well doi!
There's my problem.
How am I supposed to be successful at helping, nurturing, teaching my family if I am not first helping myself? How can I protect them from the 'natural man' if I cannot first protect myself?
And also, here's the truth:
Someone will always be better than me. Someone will be prettier, and skinnier and have cuter clothes.
Someone's kids' will always be more well behaved than mine.
Someone will always have the bigger house.
Someone will always be better.
And that's not what matters anyway, so get over it.
My thoughts, my actions, my life needs to be centered on the only stable and constant thing in this life, the Savior.
My faith in and love for Him will be what protects me. What keeps me alive and breathing. Only then, can I save those around me. Most importantly, my children.
My faith in and love for Him will be what protects me. What keeps me alive and breathing. Only then, can I save those around me. Most importantly, my children.
So now my journey begins.
For 21 days, I will be challenging myself to grow closer to the Savior.
I will be sharing my progress and thoughts here, so feel free to check back if you'd like.
If not, I'll see ya in three weeks. :)
I hope to gain a stronger testimony and pray that the Spirit will guide me in the direction I need to travel to find myself closer to Christ. I hope to feel the love my Savior and my Heavenly Father has for me, that I might see myself through their eyes, through Jason's eyes, through my friends and family's eyes.
I hope those wounds heal just a little bit more, and most of all,
I hope to restore my faith in humanity.
In parenthood.
In life.
