On My Side

Mother's day is coming up, and for the past couple weeks, I have had opportunities and experiences that have caused me to reflect on motherhood. 

The first,

Last week, I was feeling like a lousy mother. 

Feeling like I wasn't being the kind of mom my kids need. 

The kind of mom they deserve. 

Someone made me feel that way.

And I know they shouldn't. 

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Eleanor Roosevelt said that. 

She said it, but it's hard to live by. 

I wondered why this person's words effected me so deeply. 

And it bothered me that I took offense to it.

"I should have thicker skin" I thought.

"Who cares what he thinks, what does he know anyway?" I said.

And then I understood.

His words crushed me because there is little else that I value more than motherhood. I love Camden and Navy so much that it hurts sometimes. 

To think about them as a gift from my Heavenly Father,

entrusted to me in their mortal life,

is a big responsibility.

Thinking that I may not be doing a great job at it, hurt me,

like down to my bones hurt me.

I thought about the mother I want to be.

The mother I hope to be.

I prayed for strength.

I prayed that the Lord would help me feel my worth as a mother.

I felt strengthened and I felt his love so strongly and I realized that the love I have for my kids is a fraction of the love He has for me. And for them. They were sent to me for a reason. I was called to be their mother for a reason. 

I received a text from someone who I love and value deeply.

She said, "The Lord will guide you. Use your motherly persistence and call down the powers of heaven upon you and your child."

Nothing could have comforted me more. My faith was restored. 

It's going to be okay.

It's all going to be okay.

I have the power of heaven on my side.

My heart has been extra tender since then and I have had such sweet moments with my two littles.

I rocked Navy a little longer before bed.

I kissed her cheeks a little more.

I read Camden a few extra books at bedtime.

I told him I loved him a few more times during the day.

I held his hand more.

I sat by him more.

I cherished them more.

I feel Heaven on my side.

And that gives me confidence in who I am as a woman, as a wife, as a friend, but most importantly, as a mother. 

Then,

in talking to a friend after a hard day,

I offered my advice and tried my best to lift her spirits.

Walking home, I realized,

I must've said three or four different things that my mother always says to me when I have rough days.

I smiled.

Because I thought of how great my mother is.

And if I'm becoming like her,

then I must be doing something right.

I will be a different kind of mom because I'm a different person.

But she is in me.

Because I was her gift.

And because she loves me so much it hurts her sometimes.

And because, when dark clouds hovered in my life, she used her motherly persistence and called down the powers of heaven upon me. 

Gratitude overwhelmed me.

For her love, for her guidance, for her example,

And for her great advice.

And when I'm doubting my abilities as a mother,

when my faith is shaken, I will remember,

It's going to be okay.

It's all going to be okay.

I have the power of heaven,

and my mother,

on my side.