A Letter to Camden

To my Camden,

Tomorrow you start kindergarten.

And in the words mothers everywhere and since the beginning of time have spoken, 

I can't believe how fast the time has gone.

There is a book I used to read to you called, 

I Love You The World.

A mother bunny tells her little bunny all about how much she loves him.

How beautiful rainbows are not as beautiful as his eyes.

How seeing green grass and butterflies are not as thrilling as watching him run and play.

How the sun's rays do not make her feel as warm as watching him have fun.

How her love is deeper than any ocean's floor.

How she's wealthier than any queen, because he is her fortune.

On each page she says,

"I love you the world, my bunny…"

Whenever I read this to you, I would always say,

"I love you the world, my Camden…"

It just sounded better.

My pregnancy with you was not easy.

Not just for physical reasons.

But mostly for emotional ones. 

My life was an uncertain and emotional roller coaster and I always wondered if bringing you into this world at such a time was a good idea.

I was afraid.

But then you came.

After twelve hours of labor and three hours of using all my strength to push you out of my body,

you came.

Your first cries were weak.

You cried a little here and there, little whimpers more than cries.

You just wanted to sleep.

You were tired and I don't blame you.

It was a rough day.

I was tired too.

I remember thinking that maybe you were going to be a quiet soul.

You tricked me that day. :)

The nurse handed you to me and though so weak I could barely hold you,

the love I felt for you was so strong and so deep, I thought my heart might literally burst.

You were an angry baby.

You cried a lot.

Our bishop at the time told me he thought it was because you weren't ready to come down to Earth yet.

You knew you had to because it is the divine plan of our Heavenly Father,

but maybe you just did it because you had to.

Not because you wanted to.

I don't blame you.

Life with Heavenly Father definitely is much better.

The day you started crawling was the day you changed.

You could move!

You were free!

And you suddenly became the happiest baby around.

You didn't need anyone to entertain you anymore.

You were independent and you liked that.

The next year was a unhappy one, and we spent a lot of nights alone together.

You became my best friend.

Sometimes while you were sleeping, I would come into your room and get in your crib with you.

I would listen to you breathe in and out.

I would hold your hand.

I loved being near you because of your sweet innocence. 

You were perfect and pure and innocent. 

And a lot of what was happening around me was not.

You helped me have faith.

You helped me feel loved.

And oh so blessed.

I just wanted you to be okay.

I knew the pain and sorrow I was suffering would find my way into your life at some point and in some way and I never wanted you to be negatively effected by it.

I wanted to protect you from the evil of the world.

I knew too much of it and wanted you to never feel the betrayal I had experienced.

Just after your second birthday, your world would be turned upside down again.

But you were what kept me going.

You were the reason I got out of bed each day.

Life was hard for a while,

just you and me. 

But then I found happiness.

And hope.

But I want to apologize to you right now for not being the happy mother you deserved for those two years. I did my best.

But I was sad. And hollow.

And you deserved better.

I cannot change the first years of your life, but I can promise to try my best to be the mom and guardian and friend that you need. 

Life was still full of changes for you.

Accepting a step father in your life, a new home, a new step family.

Our new normal.

You didn't see your dad for a while when he went into the Air Force.

But we tried to give you as stable and consistent of a home and life and routine as we possibly could. 

When you were 4, you became a big brother.

I will never forget the look in your eyes the day you met your baby sister.

Pure love. 

A mature and all consuming love.

You couldn't stop looking at her.

You couldn't stop smiling.

It was like your spirits were reuniting.

You missed her.

Your souls belonged together.

I knew it and felt it that day.

This was how it was all supposed to be.

It was a powerful and spiritual moment.

And maybe that's why you didn't want to come to Earth at first.

Maybe you didn't want to leave Navy.

The next year brought more challenges.

And more changes.

A new step mom. Another step family.

A new house.

New friends.

Another new normal.

I tried desperately to understand what may be going on inside that tiny body of yours.

Inside your mind.

I have spent so many nights on my knees pleading with our Heavenly Father to help me know what it is that you need. 

You will never know the tears I have cried for you.

To say I worry about you is an understatement.

I worry about the effect the many changes you've experienced in just five short years will have on you in the future. 

Will you rebel because your dad is not a daily part of your life?

Will you resent me for choosing to leave him?

Will you act out because you are child of divorce?

Will you make bad decisions because you are mad?

Are you mad?

Do you feel sadness?

Do you feel abandoned?

These are the things that run through my brain over and over again.

Your Aunt Rochelle told me once that as a mother, I have the power to call down the powers of heaven upon my children to protect them.

This was such a comfort to me.

And in those quiet moments of uncertainty, when I'm so worried I'm physically ill,

I use my motherly power and ask God to surround you with the powers of heaven. 

If I cannot protect you from anger and sadness and pain,

God can.

And so, Camden, on the eve of your first day of Kindergarten,

here's what I want you to know:

I want you to know I love you.

With a heart bursting, deep rooted love that started the day I first met you.

We have a special bond you and I.

Because of what we experienced.

And I am so grateful for it.

I want you to know Jason loves you.

He worries about you too.

He wants the best for you and he wants to be the example of truth and righteousness and worthiness that every young boy needs in his life.

He is strong. And faithful. And valiant. 

And I pray that you look to him and other worthy priesthood holders around you for guidance as you grow and mature and are met with the evil that will surely come.

I want you to know your dad loves you.

He wants you to grow to be the kind of man you can be proud of. 

He will never stop loving or praying for you.

I want you to know there are a lot of people out there rooting for you.

Your Nana puts your name in the temple every week.

She says she works in the temple for her family's protection.

She does it for you Camden.

Your family prays for you.

Our friends pray for you.

We have all fasted for you.

We are all on your side.
We all want to see you succeed and be happy. 

I want you know I am proud of you.

You are handling the cards you have been dealt like a champ.

Sure, you aren't always easy for me to understand or be patient with,

but it could be worse. A lot worse.

And you are still happy and loving.

{When you aren't tired}

{Another battle we are facing at the moment}

I want you to know your Heavenly Father loves you.

He is mindful of you.

He understands what you are thinking and feeling,

even if your 5 year old self doesn't quite,

and even if I don't.

I want you to know he hears and answers your prayers.

I want you to know the Savior feels what you feel.

He loves you.

I want you to know if you come to know each of them and find a personal relationship with each of them, you will always find hope. 

You can plead to your father in heaven and Jesus Christ will be next to you pleading with you.

Know them Camden.

You will be safe there.

And I want you to be safe.

I want you to know I have had the calm reassurance, that when I pray for heaven to be near you,

God hears and answers my prayers. 

Camden, you have heaven on your side!

I have had the impression that a dear great grandfather on the other side of the veil has a special mission to watch over and protect his posterity. You are one of them. 

He was brave. 

And you can be too, because he will be there to guard you.

I want you to know that you are good.

You are good 

and true 

and special.

You are so special.

You will deal with more changes and uncertainty and inevitably heartache, as we all do in this earthly life, and it is my prayer that you stay close with God and with the Savior during the difficult moments you experience. 

But no matter what,

you will always be special.

I want you to know that even though I made decisions that someday you may not agree with, 

I did not make those decisions lightly. And your, not my, happiness was always my first priority.

I made decisions with the guidance from God and because God never leads us astray, I know I made the choices that were best for my life. And yours.

I want you to know you will always be able to talk to me. 

Your innocence of childhood will fade, and you will have questions.

Questions about my decisions, about your dad's decisions.

Questions I am prepared to answer.

Conversations that I hope will bring you peace, not confusion.

Conversations that I hope will increase our ever strengthening bond.

I want you to know you are a good big brother.

You and Navy are meant to be together for some reason.

Maybe you will protect her.

Maybe she will protect you.

Whatever the reason is, cherish your relationship with her.

It is special and given to you by a loving father in heaven. 

Something I feel blessed to witness. 

Be a good example to her.

And if you love her in the future like you love her now,

your bond will be unbreakable.

I want you to know that the love and support surrounding you will never go away.

We will always be proud of you.

We will always be praying for you.

We will always be rooting for you.

We will always love you.

I will always love you.

I hope tomorrow brings a magical day of excitement as you experience your first day of Kindergarten.

I will miss you during the day and I will wonder about what you are doing.

What are you doing at recess?

Are you making new friends?

Do you like your teacher?

Who did you sit by at lunch?

Do you miss me?

I can't wait to hear all about it.

"So whether it's rows of rainbows,

or stars in the sky above-

nothing compares with you, dear-

and nothing's greater than my love.

My love is bigger than mountains.

It's deeper than any sea.

I love you the world, my Camden.

You mean everything to me."

Love, Mom