Do my part

Guys,

I'm struggling.

Remember in my last post when I told you about the night I awoke to the Spirit telling me to prepare for our move to Texas?

I have never had an experience like that before. 

Most of the time when I get impressions,

I hear,

I listen.

But as time goes on I start to doubt.

To question.

Was that REALLY a prompting?

Was that REALLY an answer?

Or just my mind telling me what I want to know?

There has only been a handful of times in my life when I didn't doubt myself after the fact.

But most of the time, I press on in faith,

hoping that the answer/prompting/impression that I received was from my Heavenly Father,

and that He would let me know if not.

This time was not like that.

My chest burned.

My heart was on fire.

The answer was clear.

Profound.

Undoubtable.

We were moving to Texas.

I even wrote in my journal,

"... but this time, there was no doubt this answer was coming from God.

And now, even a couple days later, I am still so sure of it.

It was a special experience for me- I've never had that burning in my chest,

so that was powerful. 

God is good- He knows what I needed..."

Moving takes time.

Especially moves across multiple state lines.

I was in my last trimester of pregnancy and feeling the stress of it all.

We have a lot of stuff. 

Stuff we wouldn't be bringing with us.

We were going to have to downsize.

I was grateful for the head's up,

 I was able to start cleaning.

Organizing.

Purging.

I went through closets.

Drawers.

And made quite a few trips to Goodwill in the weeks that followed.

We visited with a realtor to discuss putting our house on the market.

I made a moving budget after researching prices of moving trucks, 

plane tickets,

gas prices,

hotels along the way,

deposits for the new rental.

I researched homes for rent.

I contacted preschools for Navy.

I corresponded with women from a Houston stake to learn which neighborhoods were the most kid friendly.

I did my part.

Later in my journal I write,

"If Jason gets waitlisted, a call may not even come until May! 

I am not worried-

I know what I felt, 

& there are no doubts.

My only hope now is that the timing of it all will work out:

the selling of the house,

finding a rental, etc.

I know that because this is what the Lord wants us to do-

I know it will all fall into place."

All we needed to do now was wait for the call from Baylor.

It was coming.

It was just a matter of time.

But then the rest of February passed.

....................

Then March.

................

Radio silence.

In April is when Jason attended the second look weekend at UACOMP, 

which, like I said in my last post,

is when his perspective started to change.

Maybe U of A was the better choice?

When Baylor called, we would really have to think about what was best for our family.

For our future.

And for his.

A few weeks later, the email came.

Waitlisted.

And then we knew.

We were not going to be going to Texas.

We were staying here.

I was happy.

My family is here.

Jason's family is here.

Camden has made friends.

Navy has made friends.

I have made friends.

We love our home.

Our neighborhood.

Our kids' school.

Then Lily came.

And we announced our future plans.

Arizona would be our home,

at least for the next four years.

And as that fact simmered in my heart,

though grateful and relieved to be free of additional stress,

my mind thought back to that night. 

The spirit I felt was so strong.

The voice was so clear.

No doubts remember?

An experience that I was so grateful for,

has now brought me to a place of confusion,

frustration,

and a little bit of sadness to be honest.

And it's not the fact that we are not going to Texas,

I am okay with that.

Life will be easier here. 

What I don't understand is why I was given such an undeniable impression.

What good came of it?

I think of the time I wasted planning,

internet searching,

making lists.

And because I told Jason of my experience,

I feel like I let him down.

There have been times in my life where a certain impression or prompting

didn't turn out the way I thought it would,

and I have always told myself,

"Well maybe the Lord just wanted to see if I would be obedient."

But I can't accept that conclusion this time.

He knows I am obedient.

I've done everything he's ever told me directly to do.

I've always tried to listen to the big promptings I feel.

He knows me.

By now, He knows I will obey.

So I just don't accept that's what it was this time.

We were supposed to be here for school.

And that's great.

We accept that.

We understand that it is what's best for our family.

So why tell us opposite?

Why?

What good came from it?

I. Am. Struggling.

A couple days ago, I saw a quote in a friend's home:

"Don't dig up in doubt what you planted in faith."

I have had so many sweet experiences where the Lord has heard and answered prayers,

tender mercies when I am reminded of His awareness of me,

faith building moments of His love and grace.

But I am not quite sure how to move past this.

Passed the confusion and self doubt.

Here's what I do know:

God is just.

Merciful.

Kind.

He knows me.

Loves me.

And wants me to be happy.

I do not doubt these things.

And because I do not doubt these things,

my mind battles with itself.

Because the things I know are not the things I am feeling right now.

And so, 

all I can think to do,

is keep moving forward.

Be the best self I can be.

Do my part.

Be obedient.

And in time, 

I hope the doubt will fade,

the confusion will dissolve,

and some day,

the questions in my heart will be answered.