Different

Those who could,

prepared me to become a 

"med school widow"

He will be busy.

He will always be studying.

I knew what I was getting myself into.

What I was not prepared for, however,

was the emotion of it all.

Pride.

He is pursuing his dream that he has worked so hard for.

Gratitude.

We got the opportunity to attend school in AZ.

Resentment.

My dreams, goals, and needs are put on hold for the next 9-11 years.

Bitterness.

He is out becoming something so noble and respectable,

making new friends,

making connections with important people,

getting praised and admiration for his hard work and accomplishments,

while I sit at home wiping spit up from down my shirt,

and picking up socks off the floor for the one millionth time. 

Loneliness.

I go to bed by myself most nights.

Sadness.

The feeling that I am losing my best friend looms over me daily.

I try to push the negative thoughts from my mind,

knowing that those emotions,

if left to simmer,

would drive a huge wedge between us,

when more distance is the last thing we need.

I try to think positive.

I try to find things to do that I enjoy and can take pride in.

I try.

I really am trying.

But it's different.

It's all just different.

He's home for dinner (most nights),

helps me get the kids ready for bed,

then shuts himself in the office to study,

while I fall asleep watching Netflix. 

Repeated tomorrow.

And the next day.

And the day after that.

This is what I expected,

but our life will never be the way it used to be,

and I think I'm mourning the loss of it a little. 

And plus, 

I just miss him.

We do still try to do weekly date nights,

but even those feel different. 

Once carefree and fun,

they are now plagued with anxieties.

The next exam.

The doctoring skills that need improving.

The lectures that need reviewed.

The cost of our dinner and the babysitter against our small student budget.

I'm sure I will adjust to this new normal,
and find happiness in it even.
Until then,
I will continue to hide out in the Sonic parking lot,
drinking my dirty Dr. Pepper and listening to Harry Potter on CD,
as I try to sort it all out.

Jason's White Coat Ceremony

My House

After my last post, 

my mind still reeled.

My loving and wise father sat me down and asked me to explain why I was feeling the way I was.

Though my testimony of God's love for me had not been shaken,

I was struggling to find the reason behind such a specific impression.

Why would he give me counsel that just confused me so much?

After describing the burning I felt,

and the clearest voice I've ever heard,

my dad gave me the best counsel he's ever given to me.

He pointed out that the answers and impressions we usually get,

are small and quiet and often, are just enough counsel to take one small step forward.

The burning I felt is rare.

Most don't have those kinds of experiences.

Most don't have such clear and specific impressions.

Instead of feeling frustrated by it, he said,

You should feel grateful.

Grateful that the Lord trusts me enough to speak to me this way.

It was a true testament to my purity and faith.

When I questioned the counsel about "my house",

he so wisely asked,

"What does 'house' mean to you?"

I thought for a minute. 

I said I didn't know.

He reminded me that our Father in Heaven doesn't think in a literal, physical sense.

His ways are eternal.

His time is not our time in the way we know and understand it.

I thought a minute longer.

If I think eternally, 

and if I take a step back from what I know 'house' to mean,

what else can I see it as?

My family.

My testimony.

My relationships-

With my children.

My husband.

And my Heavenly Father.

The word 'house' is all encompassing.

It's all the most important aspects of my life.

The very second my brain moved from literal house to spiritual house,

my entire attitude changed.

From frustration to complete and utter gratitude.

My eyes filled with tears.

"Organize your house" 

It meant something completely different now. 

I was also so thankful for my dad for giving me that counsel that day.

And in the days that followed, I really thought about what 'my house' meant to me.

What exactly could I do to organize it.

To prepare it.

I searched the scriptures.

Looking up "house" in the topical guide, I found this:

"Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house or order,

a house of God."

-D&C 109:8

I don't know what the next several years will bring with Jason's pursuit in medicine,

but the Lord does.

He knows what our family will need in those times.

Because maybe we WILL move to Texas someday,

and those big changes will undoubtedly effect us.

But maybe, 

if our house is organized, 

prepared,

in order,

we will make it out okay.

We will come out the other side stronger as a family.