Different

Those who could,

prepared me to become a 

"med school widow"

He will be busy.

He will always be studying.

I knew what I was getting myself into.

What I was not prepared for, however,

was the emotion of it all.

Pride.

He is pursuing his dream that he has worked so hard for.

Gratitude.

We got the opportunity to attend school in AZ.

Resentment.

My dreams, goals, and needs are put on hold for the next 9-11 years.

Bitterness.

He is out becoming something so noble and respectable,

making new friends,

making connections with important people,

getting praised and admiration for his hard work and accomplishments,

while I sit at home wiping spit up from down my shirt,

and picking up socks off the floor for the one millionth time. 

Loneliness.

I go to bed by myself most nights.

Sadness.

The feeling that I am losing my best friend looms over me daily.

I try to push the negative thoughts from my mind,

knowing that those emotions,

if left to simmer,

would drive a huge wedge between us,

when more distance is the last thing we need.

I try to think positive.

I try to find things to do that I enjoy and can take pride in.

I try.

I really am trying.

But it's different.

It's all just different.

He's home for dinner (most nights),

helps me get the kids ready for bed,

then shuts himself in the office to study,

while I fall asleep watching Netflix. 

Repeated tomorrow.

And the next day.

And the day after that.

This is what I expected,

but our life will never be the way it used to be,

and I think I'm mourning the loss of it a little. 

And plus, 

I just miss him.

We do still try to do weekly date nights,

but even those feel different. 

Once carefree and fun,

they are now plagued with anxieties.

The next exam.

The doctoring skills that need improving.

The lectures that need reviewed.

The cost of our dinner and the babysitter against our small student budget.

I'm sure I will adjust to this new normal,
and find happiness in it even.
Until then,
I will continue to hide out in the Sonic parking lot,
drinking my dirty Dr. Pepper and listening to Harry Potter on CD,
as I try to sort it all out.

Jason's White Coat Ceremony