An understanding, happy heart

For those of you who read my "Mommy and Me" Blog, this is sort of a repeat. Feel free to exit now.

       Last Christmas, things were different. I lived in a different house. Three of us crammed in a 550 square foot, one bedroom apartment. I was working full time, spending my days at the dentist office. We were barely making ends meet. I had a different husband. It was supposed to be a turning point for us. When I remember it in my mind, I guess it felt like it was. After almost 5 months of separation, it was our first Christmas as a "new" couple and family. A great start to a new great life together.

         A few days ago, I was uploading home videos from my camcorder to my computer. After "Camden's birth", "Camden 4 mo.", and "Camden 6-9 mo", I came across a tape simply labeled "Camden". Curious to see what memories the tape had captured, it changed from Camden dancing to Justin Bieber (one year later and STILL his favorite song) to Christmas day 2010. My heart sank a little. 48 hours after this film had been taken, my life would fall completely to pieces and it would change forever.  

        I sat and watched it play back. We stayed at my sister's house. My parents were there. Camden woke up to presents from Santa. We opened stockings and presents. Me on one side of the room. Husband on the other. We were distant and it was obvious. It felt awkward. As I watched my one year younger self, I looked at my face, at my body language, and I teared up because I realized... I was not happy. It was something I already knew, but to see it made me sad. I was a robot. No emotion on the inside and a vacant expression on the outside. My attitude was simply... tolerant. Back then, people used to always tell me after learning of our hardships, "I had no idea you were so unhappy. You hide it so well." Watching myself, I clearly didn't. It made me even more sad to think that I had no idea that I would experience the lowest and most lonely point of my life in just two days.

      December 27th, 2010. The news came. He had not been faithful to me. I packed my things and two year old Camden and I moved to Thatcher. I have never prayed more in my entire life. "Heavenly Father, what am I supposed to do?" I was emotionally spent. After three years of distress and disappointments, I had exhausted all my efforts to "make it work". There was no easy answer. Either way I chose I knew I would face pain and heartache. I didn't want to choose either. I wanted to disappear. Many nights, I layed in the fetal position, sobbing and wishing my life could be different. Many nights, I climbed into Camden's crib, letting his inhales and exhales assist me to sleep. Many nights, I thought of the scripture in D&C 121: "Oh God where art thou?... How long shall thy hand be stayed?" I needed an answer. I couldn't make a decision so big on my own.

           I have heard it said that trials can either harden our hearts or humble us. We know that suffering comes as a part of life, but misery is of our own making. I didn't WANT to be miserable. My misery came from someone else's bad choices. I didn't choose this. I just wanted peace. Peace of mind and peace of soul. In the days before I received that peace, I came to an understanding that I needed to suffer this in the Redeemer's name. I knew if I could somehow do that, I would be able to bear it well, and maybe even do it with an understanding, happy heart. It was hard to imagine: being understanding and happy about my current circumstances. How could anyone have an understanding, happy heart after being faced with unfaithfulness from a spouse? I didn't think I could do it. But I had to try.

        It was late and I had just finished writing in my journal. I turned over onto my knees to say my prayers. In mid-sentence, I stopped to listen. "Daughter, I am proud of you. It is time." From head to toe I was completely encompassed with His peaceful presence. The pain and heartache from the last three years lifted. I felt lighter. I felt calm. I felt Him there.

          Shortly after this remarkable experience, I came across this quote by Gene R. Cook, "Truly the Lord knows the end from the beginning and will tutor, correct, mold, and even refine you in the furnace of affliction. He will do so until He has accomplished His purposes in purifying you, sanctifying you, and helping you draw closer to Him." This  is what I was supposed to learn from the last three years. That Heavenly Father loves me so much he gave me something so incredibly difficult to endure because He knew it was the only way to purify me, sanctify me, and bring me closer to Him. I felt his love more than ever before in my life and was deeply humbled knowing that Heavenly Father wanted me to be more pure, more sanctified and most amazingly, He wanted me closer to Him. Because He loves me that much. It was all I needed to get me through anything else I ever had to endure.

     This Christmas, much has changed! I live in a new house with a new perfectly wonderful, amazing, awesome husband, and most importantly, I have changed. My heart has changed. I have never felt more blessed. I wish I could go back to last Christmas and tell myself, "It's all going to be okay. Happiness is just around the corner. Be patient, because something so great is in store!" We never know what the Lord has in store for us, all we know is that if we remain faithful the Lord has promised to bless us. Sometimes those blessings seem dim or few in number. But they are there. If you seek them, you will find them. So this Christmas, I am cherishing those blessings, and I am grateful for them.

      I hope all of you have a lovely Christmas. And if you are struggling, I hope you know that Heavenly Father loves you. When you pull through it, you will be more pure, more sanctified and closer to Him. And, it doesn't get much better than that.

To read Gene R. Cook's full address entitled, 'The Love of God: Suffering Tribulation in the Savior's Name' click here