A Letter to Camden

To my Camden,

Tomorrow you start kindergarten.

And in the words mothers everywhere and since the beginning of time have spoken, 

I can't believe how fast the time has gone.

There is a book I used to read to you called, 

I Love You The World.

A mother bunny tells her little bunny all about how much she loves him.

How beautiful rainbows are not as beautiful as his eyes.

How seeing green grass and butterflies are not as thrilling as watching him run and play.

How the sun's rays do not make her feel as warm as watching him have fun.

How her love is deeper than any ocean's floor.

How she's wealthier than any queen, because he is her fortune.

On each page she says,

"I love you the world, my bunny…"

Whenever I read this to you, I would always say,

"I love you the world, my Camden…"

It just sounded better.

My pregnancy with you was not easy.

Not just for physical reasons.

But mostly for emotional ones. 

My life was an uncertain and emotional roller coaster and I always wondered if bringing you into this world at such a time was a good idea.

I was afraid.

But then you came.

After twelve hours of labor and three hours of using all my strength to push you out of my body,

you came.

Your first cries were weak.

You cried a little here and there, little whimpers more than cries.

You just wanted to sleep.

You were tired and I don't blame you.

It was a rough day.

I was tired too.

I remember thinking that maybe you were going to be a quiet soul.

You tricked me that day. :)

The nurse handed you to me and though so weak I could barely hold you,

the love I felt for you was so strong and so deep, I thought my heart might literally burst.

You were an angry baby.

You cried a lot.

Our bishop at the time told me he thought it was because you weren't ready to come down to Earth yet.

You knew you had to because it is the divine plan of our Heavenly Father,

but maybe you just did it because you had to.

Not because you wanted to.

I don't blame you.

Life with Heavenly Father definitely is much better.

The day you started crawling was the day you changed.

You could move!

You were free!

And you suddenly became the happiest baby around.

You didn't need anyone to entertain you anymore.

You were independent and you liked that.

The next year was a unhappy one, and we spent a lot of nights alone together.

You became my best friend.

Sometimes while you were sleeping, I would come into your room and get in your crib with you.

I would listen to you breathe in and out.

I would hold your hand.

I loved being near you because of your sweet innocence. 

You were perfect and pure and innocent. 

And a lot of what was happening around me was not.

You helped me have faith.

You helped me feel loved.

And oh so blessed.

I just wanted you to be okay.

I knew the pain and sorrow I was suffering would find my way into your life at some point and in some way and I never wanted you to be negatively effected by it.

I wanted to protect you from the evil of the world.

I knew too much of it and wanted you to never feel the betrayal I had experienced.

Just after your second birthday, your world would be turned upside down again.

But you were what kept me going.

You were the reason I got out of bed each day.

Life was hard for a while,

just you and me. 

But then I found happiness.

And hope.

But I want to apologize to you right now for not being the happy mother you deserved for those two years. I did my best.

But I was sad. And hollow.

And you deserved better.

I cannot change the first years of your life, but I can promise to try my best to be the mom and guardian and friend that you need. 

Life was still full of changes for you.

Accepting a step father in your life, a new home, a new step family.

Our new normal.

You didn't see your dad for a while when he went into the Air Force.

But we tried to give you as stable and consistent of a home and life and routine as we possibly could. 

When you were 4, you became a big brother.

I will never forget the look in your eyes the day you met your baby sister.

Pure love. 

A mature and all consuming love.

You couldn't stop looking at her.

You couldn't stop smiling.

It was like your spirits were reuniting.

You missed her.

Your souls belonged together.

I knew it and felt it that day.

This was how it was all supposed to be.

It was a powerful and spiritual moment.

And maybe that's why you didn't want to come to Earth at first.

Maybe you didn't want to leave Navy.

The next year brought more challenges.

And more changes.

A new step mom. Another step family.

A new house.

New friends.

Another new normal.

I tried desperately to understand what may be going on inside that tiny body of yours.

Inside your mind.

I have spent so many nights on my knees pleading with our Heavenly Father to help me know what it is that you need. 

You will never know the tears I have cried for you.

To say I worry about you is an understatement.

I worry about the effect the many changes you've experienced in just five short years will have on you in the future. 

Will you rebel because your dad is not a daily part of your life?

Will you resent me for choosing to leave him?

Will you act out because you are child of divorce?

Will you make bad decisions because you are mad?

Are you mad?

Do you feel sadness?

Do you feel abandoned?

These are the things that run through my brain over and over again.

Your Aunt Rochelle told me once that as a mother, I have the power to call down the powers of heaven upon my children to protect them.

This was such a comfort to me.

And in those quiet moments of uncertainty, when I'm so worried I'm physically ill,

I use my motherly power and ask God to surround you with the powers of heaven. 

If I cannot protect you from anger and sadness and pain,

God can.

And so, Camden, on the eve of your first day of Kindergarten,

here's what I want you to know:

I want you to know I love you.

With a heart bursting, deep rooted love that started the day I first met you.

We have a special bond you and I.

Because of what we experienced.

And I am so grateful for it.

I want you to know Jason loves you.

He worries about you too.

He wants the best for you and he wants to be the example of truth and righteousness and worthiness that every young boy needs in his life.

He is strong. And faithful. And valiant. 

And I pray that you look to him and other worthy priesthood holders around you for guidance as you grow and mature and are met with the evil that will surely come.

I want you to know your dad loves you.

He wants you to grow to be the kind of man you can be proud of. 

He will never stop loving or praying for you.

I want you to know there are a lot of people out there rooting for you.

Your Nana puts your name in the temple every week.

She says she works in the temple for her family's protection.

She does it for you Camden.

Your family prays for you.

Our friends pray for you.

We have all fasted for you.

We are all on your side.
We all want to see you succeed and be happy. 

I want you know I am proud of you.

You are handling the cards you have been dealt like a champ.

Sure, you aren't always easy for me to understand or be patient with,

but it could be worse. A lot worse.

And you are still happy and loving.

{When you aren't tired}

{Another battle we are facing at the moment}

I want you to know your Heavenly Father loves you.

He is mindful of you.

He understands what you are thinking and feeling,

even if your 5 year old self doesn't quite,

and even if I don't.

I want you to know he hears and answers your prayers.

I want you to know the Savior feels what you feel.

He loves you.

I want you to know if you come to know each of them and find a personal relationship with each of them, you will always find hope. 

You can plead to your father in heaven and Jesus Christ will be next to you pleading with you.

Know them Camden.

You will be safe there.

And I want you to be safe.

I want you to know I have had the calm reassurance, that when I pray for heaven to be near you,

God hears and answers my prayers. 

Camden, you have heaven on your side!

I have had the impression that a dear great grandfather on the other side of the veil has a special mission to watch over and protect his posterity. You are one of them. 

He was brave. 

And you can be too, because he will be there to guard you.

I want you to know that you are good.

You are good 

and true 

and special.

You are so special.

You will deal with more changes and uncertainty and inevitably heartache, as we all do in this earthly life, and it is my prayer that you stay close with God and with the Savior during the difficult moments you experience. 

But no matter what,

you will always be special.

I want you to know that even though I made decisions that someday you may not agree with, 

I did not make those decisions lightly. And your, not my, happiness was always my first priority.

I made decisions with the guidance from God and because God never leads us astray, I know I made the choices that were best for my life. And yours.

I want you to know you will always be able to talk to me. 

Your innocence of childhood will fade, and you will have questions.

Questions about my decisions, about your dad's decisions.

Questions I am prepared to answer.

Conversations that I hope will bring you peace, not confusion.

Conversations that I hope will increase our ever strengthening bond.

I want you to know you are a good big brother.

You and Navy are meant to be together for some reason.

Maybe you will protect her.

Maybe she will protect you.

Whatever the reason is, cherish your relationship with her.

It is special and given to you by a loving father in heaven. 

Something I feel blessed to witness. 

Be a good example to her.

And if you love her in the future like you love her now,

your bond will be unbreakable.

I want you to know that the love and support surrounding you will never go away.

We will always be proud of you.

We will always be praying for you.

We will always be rooting for you.

We will always love you.

I will always love you.

I hope tomorrow brings a magical day of excitement as you experience your first day of Kindergarten.

I will miss you during the day and I will wonder about what you are doing.

What are you doing at recess?

Are you making new friends?

Do you like your teacher?

Who did you sit by at lunch?

Do you miss me?

I can't wait to hear all about it.

"So whether it's rows of rainbows,

or stars in the sky above-

nothing compares with you, dear-

and nothing's greater than my love.

My love is bigger than mountains.

It's deeper than any sea.

I love you the world, my Camden.

You mean everything to me."

Love, Mom

Sealing The Deal

It was three years ago today.

Jason and I got married.

It was a hot July Friday.

But….

Let's rewind to five days before. 

I was just finishing my stay here in Mesa before I headed back to Thatcher.

It was a Sunday.

Jason and I had gone to his singles ward together.

We had been engaged for 28 days.

(We dated for 20 before the proposal)

I had submitted my request for a temple sealing cancellation the week prior. 

I had been separated 7 months, officially divorced 6 1/2 weeks.

J and I were hanging out at his house, waiting to head over to his parents' for dinner before I would get Camden back from his dad and head home.

We talked about how we would miss each other that week.

We talked about what day I would come back. Thursday? Friday?

What would we do that weekend?

We talked about wedding dates.

October sounded good.

My cancellation should be in by then. 

………

But what if it wasn't?

What if we waited all that time to get married in the temple, just to have to get married civilly anyway?

I never wanted to take away the experience of the temple wedding day for Jason.

The sealing, the luncheon, the reception.

I would never want to rob him of that day.

We wanted to be sealed in the temple, yes, but I also didn't want him to miss out on the traditional experience of it all. That's why we were waiting for my cancellation.

But he told me he didn't care.

"What if we wait until October, your cancellation doesn't come, we get married civilly, and then have to wait a year from THEN to get sealed? I'd rather just get married now. At least we'd be sealed sooner."

I agreed.

It was such a shot in the dark.

Some people I had talked to received cancellations in six weeks.

Some said six months.

Some said a year.

It was totally out of our hands. 

When one of us said, 

"We should just elope."

It was just a joke.

At first.

But after discussing the possibility of pushing the wedding further and further back, or having to wait an even longer time to get sealed, it started to sound like a good idea.

It was a lot of, 

"Oh my gosh, we could totally do this!"

and

"What do you think our parents will say?"

and 

"Seriously? Are we going to do this?!"

and

"Are you sure??"

Here's the thing with me:

I had been married before.

(Obvi)

I knew what I wanted.

The qualities and attributes I was looking for in my next husband.

I knew what I didn't want.

Jason possessed all the things I valued.

I already knew.

He'd make a great husband.

And father.

And step-father. 

Here's the thing with J:

He was ready to find someone to marry.

He was ready to start a family.

He had dated.

His friends were all married. 

Some were even having babies.

Twenty four and single?

In Mormon culture he was old!

And here's the thing with US:

We had known each other for 8 years before this.

8 years of friendship.

3 years of best friendship.

I knew him.

I really really knew him.

And he knew me.

We worked together in high school and would stay late sometimes just talking and laughing. 

He was the best and closest male friend in my life. 

We didn't need dating time to get to know each other.

We didn't need time to understand how the other handled certain situations.

Or how they were around their family. Or friends.

(We have all the same friends)

We knew.

And when we crossed the line out of the Friend Zone,

and it felt right,

then that was that.

We both knew it was right.

And we wanted our life together to start.

So after about an hour and a half of back and forth and 

"Can we really do this?!"

We made the decision.

We're doing it.

This week.

Friday.

Now, who wants to tell their parents first?

We decided we would tell his parents at dinner that night.

I called my mom on the drive there.

"So Mom, how would you feel if I told you Jason and I were getting married on Friday?"

(Laugh)

"Ummm…. Okay?"

I think she thought I was joking.

"Well… Okay then. We're getting married on Friday."

"Are you really??"

"Yep!"

I explained our reasons for wanting to elope.

Waiting for a cancellation that probably wouldn't come anyway.

I was also really tired of driving to the valley every weekend and trying to find places to stay. 

She knew I was happy. 

She had seen me in the lowest and darkest time of my life.

She was ready too.

Ready for me to be the daughter she remembered.

Now, on to the DeWitt's.

After dinner, Jason's parents were sitting at the table with us and Jason said,

"So uhh… How would you guys feel if we got married this weekend?"

Becky: "Great!"

Doug: (Laugh) (Hand over mouth laugh)

After we explained we were completely serious and our reasons behind it,

Becky was totally on board.

Doug, not quite.

He had some reservations about what an elopement might "look" like to outsiders. 

He was worried about the family members that wouldn't be able to make it on such short notice. 

(Namely Jason's sister Jill in Hawaii)

But after a lot of talking, it was a go!

Lots to do in just five days!

We called all our friends and families:

"We're getting married on Friday at 6 if you want to come!"

We reserved the church building.

The lady making my dress rushed to finish it. 

Jasons sister Katie started on our cake.

We made some decorations for the relief society room.

We got our marriage license.

And Jill even surprised Jason the day before and flew in from Hawaii with her new baby boy.

Wedding day was here.

We decided we would go to dinner first before heading over to the church.

Cheesecake Factory.

My favorite.

It was the most awkward dinner ever.

Neither one of us touched our food.

We were so nervous!

There were some serious butterflies in our stomachs.

We kept looking at each other and laughing.

"I can't believe this is really happening"

"You are going to be my wife in less than two hours"

It was surreal.

We headed to the church and I got dressed in the mother's lounge.

When the ceremony started, we sat at the front of the room while the bishop spoke.

We didn't ask him to, but he made it a point to note that Jason and I were both temple worthy and would be doing this in the temple that day if we could have. I was grateful for that.

I was so nervous!

I kept fidgeting my hands and feet.

We held hands until it was time to stand up.

We "took" each other and exchanged rings.

And that was that.

The deal was sealed.

We spent the weekend in Scottsdale and even got our already scheduled "engagement" pictures done the next day. 

We still talk about our decision to elope. 

We talked a lot about it our first year of marriage.

It was so worth it.

We would make the same decision again 100x over.

The cancellation came. 

In April. 

9 months after we had been married.

6 months after our original wedding date.

We are so glad we didn't wait. 

And one year later, on July 16, 2012

we were sealed in the San Diego temple.

With Navy in tow.

The last three years have been nothing short of perfect. 

No, we do not have the perfect marriage,

but we fit together and get along together so well,

that life is almost always happy.

Marry your best friend.

That is how you ensure a blissful life.

On My Side

Mother's day is coming up, and for the past couple weeks, I have had opportunities and experiences that have caused me to reflect on motherhood. 

The first,

Last week, I was feeling like a lousy mother. 

Feeling like I wasn't being the kind of mom my kids need. 

The kind of mom they deserve. 

Someone made me feel that way.

And I know they shouldn't. 

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Eleanor Roosevelt said that. 

She said it, but it's hard to live by. 

I wondered why this person's words effected me so deeply. 

And it bothered me that I took offense to it.

"I should have thicker skin" I thought.

"Who cares what he thinks, what does he know anyway?" I said.

And then I understood.

His words crushed me because there is little else that I value more than motherhood. I love Camden and Navy so much that it hurts sometimes. 

To think about them as a gift from my Heavenly Father,

entrusted to me in their mortal life,

is a big responsibility.

Thinking that I may not be doing a great job at it, hurt me,

like down to my bones hurt me.

I thought about the mother I want to be.

The mother I hope to be.

I prayed for strength.

I prayed that the Lord would help me feel my worth as a mother.

I felt strengthened and I felt his love so strongly and I realized that the love I have for my kids is a fraction of the love He has for me. And for them. They were sent to me for a reason. I was called to be their mother for a reason. 

I received a text from someone who I love and value deeply.

She said, "The Lord will guide you. Use your motherly persistence and call down the powers of heaven upon you and your child."

Nothing could have comforted me more. My faith was restored. 

It's going to be okay.

It's all going to be okay.

I have the power of heaven on my side.

My heart has been extra tender since then and I have had such sweet moments with my two littles.

I rocked Navy a little longer before bed.

I kissed her cheeks a little more.

I read Camden a few extra books at bedtime.

I told him I loved him a few more times during the day.

I held his hand more.

I sat by him more.

I cherished them more.

I feel Heaven on my side.

And that gives me confidence in who I am as a woman, as a wife, as a friend, but most importantly, as a mother. 

Then,

in talking to a friend after a hard day,

I offered my advice and tried my best to lift her spirits.

Walking home, I realized,

I must've said three or four different things that my mother always says to me when I have rough days.

I smiled.

Because I thought of how great my mother is.

And if I'm becoming like her,

then I must be doing something right.

I will be a different kind of mom because I'm a different person.

But she is in me.

Because I was her gift.

And because she loves me so much it hurts her sometimes.

And because, when dark clouds hovered in my life, she used her motherly persistence and called down the powers of heaven upon me. 

Gratitude overwhelmed me.

For her love, for her guidance, for her example,

And for her great advice.

And when I'm doubting my abilities as a mother,

when my faith is shaken, I will remember,

It's going to be okay.

It's all going to be okay.

I have the power of heaven,

and my mother,

on my side.

We ARE alive. Sort of.

It's St. Patricks day. Are you wearing green?

No?

Yeah me either.

So for those who care, I thought I'd do some updating. 

Our life this semester has been so busy, sometimes I can hardly stop to catch my breath.

Jason and I have become excellent roommates in the last 3 months.

We high five each other in passing on our way out the door.

Tag. You're it.

You're it to watch the kids.

You're it to go to work.

You're it to go to school.

And… bedtime.

Whewf. 

I have been getting opportunities to earn extra money and I am so grateful. It really has been a blessing. But when you are used to being a stay at home momma, adjusting to a work momma can be difficult. 

I used to be a work momma, back when I was a single momma. 

I forgot how hard it can be. 

I am coaching gymnastics two days a week and coaching at meets on weekends. I am also an assistant to an owner of a roofing company two days a week. I have been doing some photography on the side also, which I love.

Anyway, Jason is smokin' it in school, a 4.0 at ASU

(smarty pants)

We have decided to apply to medical school next summer instead of this summer, which was the original plan.

For medical school applications, Jason must have a certain number of physician shadowing hours, volunteer hours, and of course his MCAT score. 

He just quit work in January and was planning on doing all of that this semester. As we got started into our new routine, we could tell there was no way he could do all of that in the next 5 months. Putting off school for another year is definitely not ideal, but for everyone's sanity in this house, it was the right choice. Jason has been very blessed with some awesome shadowing opportunities that will hopefully help him when application time comes. Everything is falling into place and we are so blessed. 

We got called to teach Primary a couple months ago...

"Oh, you're working and you're going to school full time??

Great! We could use you!"

(No further comment)

Camden's in preschool and doing great. He drives me crazy and makes me laugh every day. He is obsessed with Navy and still smothers her to death. He also bullies her. I guess he can't decide?

Navy is learning a lot and also makes us laugh every day. She is one sassy pass! She can eat her weight in snacks and is obsessed with Bubble Guppies. 

Well… I guess that's all,

so here's some pictures of our most recent outdoor adventures.

We brought it with us

"Noble and great. Courageous and determined. Faithful and fearless. That is who you are and who you have always been. And understanding it can change your life, because this knowledge carries a confidence that cannot be duplicated any other way."-Sheri Dew

When I was 8 years old, my gymnastics coach made me stand in front of the entire team and then asked, "Who has a problem with Stacey?"

Every hand went up in the air, except one, my best friend Teri's.

One by one, he called on each teammate, and they explained just what it was they didn't like about me. 

One by one, I listened to my friends tell me how annoying I was.

How I had a "big head".

How I talked too much.

How I was loud.

How I needed to know my place, my order in the rankings.

To say I was completely crushed is an understatement,

and for a long time, I believed the things they said about me.

In my 8 year old heart I thought if my friends thought this about me,

then it must be true.

When I was in the 8th grade, a friend of mine, started a rumor about me.

One by one, she told each girl in our group of friends "things I had said about them".

Untrue things. Unkind things.

On my way to P.E. one day, I was blocked by each of these friends, standing shoulder to shoulder,

on the defense.

A particularly outspoken girl was the "voice" of the group.

She yelled in my face.

She told me I was stuck up.

How dare I think I'm better than everyone, she said

Confusion. Devastation. Betrayal.

In the days that followed, I had to apologize to each of my friends individually for the things I had supposedly said about them. 

Who did they hear this from I wondered?

One of my best friends I would come to find out.

In my 13 year old heart I thought, if my friends believed that I would ever say any of those things, if my best friend would want me to lose all my friends,

then I must not have any real friends.

When I was a newlywed, I was quickly shoved into the reality 

that I had married a sex addict.

I started checking the computer history.

One by one, I saw the websites.

I saw what he thought sexy was.

I saw what he thought was attractive.

I didn't look like them.

I never would.

What was wrong with me that he had to seek fulfillment elsewhere?

In my 21 year old heart I thought if my husband isn't happy with me, there must be something wrong with me. 

I struggle with finding the confidence within me.

There are scars that are hard to forget.

There are images and words that shaped who I believed I was, who I believe I am.

And I think this is something we all face to some degree.

Our life experiences, the good and the bad, shape the way we view ourselves.

But none of us came to the earth to gain our worth.

We brought it with us.

It's already there, but it's up to us to remember, understand, and believe it.

It will probably be a life long journey for me to find and sustain that self confidence. 

But, I seek my Heavenly Father's help, and the closer I grow to Him, the more clear and complete becomes my vision of who I am, who I've always been, and who I will become.

While reading the NewEra the other day, I came across the MormonAd, "BE YOUR OWN KIND OF BEAUTIFUL." You know, the one with the vase full of roses, with a single daisy in the arrangment. I thought it was such a tender mercy. Firstly because, daisies are my favorite flower and secondly, because I think I have felt like this daisy the last few months. This daisy has all the reason in the world to compare herself. She doesn't smell sweet the way roses do. She doesn't bloom the way roses do. She is plain white and they are a deep and vibrant red. But she is beautiful in her own way. She stands out because she is unique. And daisies, in my opinion (as well as Kathleen Kelly's) are the happiest flower. 

As I have been on my "21 day journey" I have come see myself (maybe only in part) the way my Heavenly Father and my Savior see me.
There is a song that I absolutely love,
"I am His daughter" by Nicole Sheahan. I listen to this song almost every day and sometimes 4 or 5 times in a row. Since starting my journey, I have seen many tender mercies in the last few weeks and finding this song I think was one of them. 

The photos in the magazines
Don't dictate who I'm supposed to be
The world can't recognize, all that I am inside
But I know in His eyes, I am a part of, the bigger picture,

There's so much more to me
He helps me see that I have so much to offer
I am His daughter
He loves me the way I am,
He's my strength when I stand
He is my King, and my Father,
I am His daughter.

The people on the TV screen,
The leaders, rulers, and queens
I watch them shape the world,
And though I'm just a girl, I still know for sure,
That I am a part of, the bigger picture

There's so much more to me
He helps me see that I have so much to offer
I am His daughter
He loves me the way I am,
He's my strength when I stand
He is my King, and my Father,
I am His daughter

And when I'm feeling small,
And wondering if I'll ever, find courage to stand tall
Through His love I remember

There's so much more to me
He helps me to see that I have so much to offer
I am His daughter
He loves me the way I am
He's my strength when I stand
He is my King, and my Father,
I am His daughter

Before starting the book, I prayed that after the journey, I would be more whole. That I would be more healed. That I would find strength and confidence.
Through reading and praying and recognizing the Lord's hand in my life,
I feel whole.
I feel healed.
I feel strong,
and I feel confident.
My prayers were answered and I am filled with His love for me.

**** This is where my original post stopped, and a loving sister pointed out that I did not mention my amazing {not above mentioned} current husband.*****

And she's right.

 This is Jason.
My husband.
He is a big,
huge,
gigantic,
enormous
reason I am a little more healed than I was a year ago, two years ago. Although I am on the path to healing my wounds, and know it is something I must do on my own, HE got me to this point. For a while, I wasn't ready to face my demons. I wasn't ready to look inward and see my scars for what they really were,
 and are.
I wasn't ready and that is okay.
But it was because of him, because of his kindness, his honesty, his righteousness, his goodness, that I became ready.
He pulled me through long enough to get to this point.
He was trustworthy long enough to feel ready to look back and deal with mistrust I so devastatingly experienced.
He was THERE consistently to feel safe enough to heal from the loneliness that encompassed me for three long years.
He gave me safety.
And security.
And love.
And he continues to be the very thing I need in this life every single day.