Divinely Inspired

I know I know...

I've missed quite a few Gratitude Mondays. 

Sorry about that.

This fetus doesn't allow me to accomplish much these days.

A shower and hair wash is considered a win for me lately.

Every Monday, 

I do still think about the things I'm grateful for.

I am still grateful in my heart,

even though sometimes I can't make it to the computer to articulate what I might be feeling that day.

I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who is mindful of my family.

I am grateful for a husband who has picked up the slack around the house,

no questions asked.

He serves lovingly while I transfer from bed to couch to bathroom floor, then back again.

Though I feel worthless,

he doesn't make me feel like an inconvenience,

and my love for him in the last couple of months has grown exponentially.

Though I didn't know that was even possible. 

I am grateful for a selfless mother,

who moved her life into my spare bedroom to pick up the pieces of my life I could no longer carry.

Unknowing to her, I watched her one night,

bald and beautiful,

do the dishes while I laid on the couch.

And in no time, tears filled my eyes,

guilt filled my mind,

but love and admiration filled my heart.

It is quite a humbling experience to watch your mother,

fighting the battle of her life,

hair gone,

knees weak,

eyes tired,

serve you and your family willingly.

I did not ask her to come here.

In fact, I asked her NOT to come.

She insisted.

She wasn't asking for my permission.

She was coming.

Because that's what mothers do she said. 

And because she said she needed the blessings that service brings.

And as her scans came back better than anyone expected last week,

I said a silent prayer thanking God that he did in fact bless her for serving.

And knowing she will be around longer,

is a blessing for all of us.

And I will never be grateful ENOUGH for that.

I am grateful for a best friend who I call my sister,

who I call everyday.

Who listens. 

Who understands.

I am grateful for a son who challenges me,

almost daily.

If he was easy, I wouldn't require the help and guidance of my Savior and Heavenly Father

on how best to reach him.

To raise him.

And to love him in ways he feels it.

I am grateful for miracles in my life.

Big and small.

And though it has been hard lately,

I am grateful for the life slowly growing inside me.

Sometimes, 

I think about what my life would be like if I had not made the decisions I made almost 5 years ago.

Who would I be?

Would my soul have been capable of bearing this cancer journey our family has been on?

If my life, still in turmoil, could have taken any more tragedy?

And then I stop thinking about it.

Because I can't let myself go back there.

I am here now.

And wow, is it an amazing place to be.

The morning my mom shaved her head,

I had already headed out of town when my sister called.

She said, "I feel like I should get mom a present, but what do you get for a situation like this???"

Not even 24 hours earlier, 

with shaking hands,

I paced back and forth around the bathroom.

I waited.

And then just like that, two pink lines appeared on a little stick and our lives changed forever.

So when my sister asked about something to get my mom,

I knew I had to tell her.

I turned around, 

drove home,

and pulled down the newborn storage bin from the garage.

I found a onesie, 

pinned a teal ribbon on it,

and wrapped it.

Since I had captured the moments before, during, and after my mom's hair shaving with my camera,

I thought I'd continue shooting while she opened her gift. 

Her tears that day went from sadness to joy.

And I can't help but think that the timing of it all was divinely inspired.