An understanding, happy heart

For those of you who read my "Mommy and Me" Blog, this is sort of a repeat. Feel free to exit now.

       Last Christmas, things were different. I lived in a different house. Three of us crammed in a 550 square foot, one bedroom apartment. I was working full time, spending my days at the dentist office. We were barely making ends meet. I had a different husband. It was supposed to be a turning point for us. When I remember it in my mind, I guess it felt like it was. After almost 5 months of separation, it was our first Christmas as a "new" couple and family. A great start to a new great life together.

         A few days ago, I was uploading home videos from my camcorder to my computer. After "Camden's birth", "Camden 4 mo.", and "Camden 6-9 mo", I came across a tape simply labeled "Camden". Curious to see what memories the tape had captured, it changed from Camden dancing to Justin Bieber (one year later and STILL his favorite song) to Christmas day 2010. My heart sank a little. 48 hours after this film had been taken, my life would fall completely to pieces and it would change forever.  

        I sat and watched it play back. We stayed at my sister's house. My parents were there. Camden woke up to presents from Santa. We opened stockings and presents. Me on one side of the room. Husband on the other. We were distant and it was obvious. It felt awkward. As I watched my one year younger self, I looked at my face, at my body language, and I teared up because I realized... I was not happy. It was something I already knew, but to see it made me sad. I was a robot. No emotion on the inside and a vacant expression on the outside. My attitude was simply... tolerant. Back then, people used to always tell me after learning of our hardships, "I had no idea you were so unhappy. You hide it so well." Watching myself, I clearly didn't. It made me even more sad to think that I had no idea that I would experience the lowest and most lonely point of my life in just two days.

      December 27th, 2010. The news came. He had not been faithful to me. I packed my things and two year old Camden and I moved to Thatcher. I have never prayed more in my entire life. "Heavenly Father, what am I supposed to do?" I was emotionally spent. After three years of distress and disappointments, I had exhausted all my efforts to "make it work". There was no easy answer. Either way I chose I knew I would face pain and heartache. I didn't want to choose either. I wanted to disappear. Many nights, I layed in the fetal position, sobbing and wishing my life could be different. Many nights, I climbed into Camden's crib, letting his inhales and exhales assist me to sleep. Many nights, I thought of the scripture in D&C 121: "Oh God where art thou?... How long shall thy hand be stayed?" I needed an answer. I couldn't make a decision so big on my own.

           I have heard it said that trials can either harden our hearts or humble us. We know that suffering comes as a part of life, but misery is of our own making. I didn't WANT to be miserable. My misery came from someone else's bad choices. I didn't choose this. I just wanted peace. Peace of mind and peace of soul. In the days before I received that peace, I came to an understanding that I needed to suffer this in the Redeemer's name. I knew if I could somehow do that, I would be able to bear it well, and maybe even do it with an understanding, happy heart. It was hard to imagine: being understanding and happy about my current circumstances. How could anyone have an understanding, happy heart after being faced with unfaithfulness from a spouse? I didn't think I could do it. But I had to try.

        It was late and I had just finished writing in my journal. I turned over onto my knees to say my prayers. In mid-sentence, I stopped to listen. "Daughter, I am proud of you. It is time." From head to toe I was completely encompassed with His peaceful presence. The pain and heartache from the last three years lifted. I felt lighter. I felt calm. I felt Him there.

          Shortly after this remarkable experience, I came across this quote by Gene R. Cook, "Truly the Lord knows the end from the beginning and will tutor, correct, mold, and even refine you in the furnace of affliction. He will do so until He has accomplished His purposes in purifying you, sanctifying you, and helping you draw closer to Him." This  is what I was supposed to learn from the last three years. That Heavenly Father loves me so much he gave me something so incredibly difficult to endure because He knew it was the only way to purify me, sanctify me, and bring me closer to Him. I felt his love more than ever before in my life and was deeply humbled knowing that Heavenly Father wanted me to be more pure, more sanctified and most amazingly, He wanted me closer to Him. Because He loves me that much. It was all I needed to get me through anything else I ever had to endure.

     This Christmas, much has changed! I live in a new house with a new perfectly wonderful, amazing, awesome husband, and most importantly, I have changed. My heart has changed. I have never felt more blessed. I wish I could go back to last Christmas and tell myself, "It's all going to be okay. Happiness is just around the corner. Be patient, because something so great is in store!" We never know what the Lord has in store for us, all we know is that if we remain faithful the Lord has promised to bless us. Sometimes those blessings seem dim or few in number. But they are there. If you seek them, you will find them. So this Christmas, I am cherishing those blessings, and I am grateful for them.

      I hope all of you have a lovely Christmas. And if you are struggling, I hope you know that Heavenly Father loves you. When you pull through it, you will be more pure, more sanctified and closer to Him. And, it doesn't get much better than that.

To read Gene R. Cook's full address entitled, 'The Love of God: Suffering Tribulation in the Savior's Name' click here

Disneyland

Okay, last September post! Whew!

During our CA trip, we went to Disneyland.

Here's what I learned:

In our family, kids between the ages of 2 years and 6 years old will NOT be allowed to go to Disneyland.

We took Camden to Disneyland when he was about 20 or so months and it was a breeze! He was so good, slept in the stroller when he was tired, and seemed to enjoy the day. Maybe because he didn't really understand what was going on.

This time... not so much.

He was a total crab monster and we had quite a few melt downs that day. He could not understand the concept of waiting in line. Two and half year olds are just not patient. Who knew??

So Jason and I decided to make it a household rule that children will only be allowed to go to Disneyland after they are six. Although I'm sure six year olds still have melt downs now and then.

Most of these pictures are on FB, but in case you didn't see them, here they are.



First ride of the day. (Still happy)



Captain EO. Still as good as it was in 1993.

First trip to Disneyland together

The only "character" we got to see that day. Camden didn't care though, he was still pretty excited about this one

Okay. Now on to October!

Mormon Battalion Museum

In San Diego we went to the Mormon Battalion Museum.

I would definitely reccomend it if you're there...

They had lots of fun things for Camden to do outside.

Like a water pump and a place to pan for gold.

Camden found two gold nuggets!!

Although, I don't think he cared to much. He just liked playing in the rocks and water.

Camden's gonna be rich!

 During the tour you move from room to room and watch a video. Each room is decorated different. One is decorated to look like a camp site with a tent and a fire and lots of trees. Then you move to a general store. Inside the general store they ask for a volunteer to dress like the soldiers in the battalion did. Guess who got to be the volunteer?

Hat, water canteen, the backpack is on his left (too big to wear), bullets, gun, and a cracker



Mission Beach, CA

Okay, so where did I leave off?

The reception. Right.

The end of September we went to San Diego for a week and stayed at a beach house with my parents, my aunt and uncle and my sister. She got to leave her kiddos at home with her hubster. LUCKY!

I brought Camden.

And I guess that's pretty lucky too.

Camden LOVED the beach, although we were attacked by kelp flies the whole time. Millions and millions and millions of them. And I wish I was exaggerating. It was totally gross.

But, camden didn't seem to mind too much.

Thanks for stopping by!

We Got Our Reception On

Today is December 1st.

That means....

It's time to do September blogging.

And what might you ask happened in Septmeber?

Our reception of course.

Fun night.

I'll recap with pictures.



One September post down.

Two to go.

Happy December!!

Strawberry Daquiries

Let's go back a few months.

August to be exact.

We had planned to get married on August 23rd, so we booked our honeymoon for August 24th.

Since we decide to elope in July, we had to wait about six weeks to go on our honeymoon.

My parents took Camden home with them to Thatcher for the week.

The night before we left, I was feeling pretty guilty for leaving him to go on vacation.

If you're a mom, you will understand.

Jason didn't so much.

Our flight to Miami left at like 6:30 a.m.or something, but we told Jason's mom the wrong time to pick us up.

(The flight left 15 min earlier than we thought)

Then, her alarm didn't go off.

She picked us up and we had like 40 min before the departure time. Yikes!

We were already in a little "tiff" and anyone who knows me knows I HATE to be late, so that was just fuel to the fire.

Poor Becky, she could definitely feel the tension.

That was a really long drive to the airport.

We got to the airport. talked to the ticket agent who gave us the stink eye when we told her what flight we were on. By the way, don't you hate when the agents make you feel like you're asking them to donate their kidney when you ask them to do ANYTHING??

Ok, I digress.

So... we get through security pretty fast. (Thank goodness it was a Wednesday morning)

We are just about at the gate and Jason realizes he forgot his phone back at security.

Wow.

I ran to the gate and told the gate agent that Jason was right behind me. Another stink eye. Of course.

But, we made it. Barely.

The first day we spent at the resort beach, snorkling and laying out.

The resort we stayed at was all inclusive. Free food and drinks.

Which meant, FREE strawberry daquiries. All day.

We started keeping count and by the time we left we averaged 4 a day each.

They were THAT good.

 The second day we took a taxi to Coki Beach.

We went snorkling there too. I had never been snorkling before and I was such a baby about it at first.
Jason thought I was ridiculous.

Which I was.

I would scream every time a fish came near me.

But don't worry,

I got better.

Unless Jason said he saw a jellyfish, then I was out of the water in about five seconds.

Adrienne understands....

Coki Beach

This is right outside the resort lobby

Iguanas roam wild everywhere...

And clearly are very comfortable around people

At the resort's private beach

Our room's balcony

 The third day we were both pretty sunburned so we stayed in the shade most of the day.

It was one of the best weeks of my life.

Maybe because I was in St. Thomas and it's hard to go wrong there.

But it was probably because of the company.

Utah, As Promised

Now, if you followed my 'Mommy' blog, then you've probably already heard this, but for any new-comers, this is for you.

Back in August (August, really?? I'm that far behind?!) we went to Utah for my cousin, Collin's wedding.

Friday night was their rehearsal dinner in Salt Lake.

We had fun taking pictures around temple square.

Since the wedding wasn't until Saturday afternoon, we drove up to Park City with my parents and shopped at the outlet mall and did some fun things at the Olympic Park.

You know Jason, the ride hasn't started yet. You don't need to make the face.

It was a fun weekend with my family and fun to get away for a few days.

Plus, I got to do my cousin's wedding video which was a bonus!

You can see it here.

We stopped in Vegas on the way home and hung out with Jason's brother Brian and his cute family for a few hours. They have a new baby. I of course, smelled her neck. Brian thought it was weird. What can I say? It's my thing.

Utah: check

Still to go: Honeymoon and Reception

Thanks for stopping by!